Dear Ellen: I didn’t get that memo.

I write letters to Ellen DeGeneres. No particular reason. Just because I can.

Dear Ellen,

Yesterday I went for an ultrasound to see how the baby’s growth was progressing. Everything was developing normal with the exception of her stomach. The last time they took an ultrasound, they told me that the baby had a skinny stomach. So they made me come in today – one month later – for a second exam. And while she’s still growing, she apparently still has a skinny stomach. According to the doctor, it means she’s below average for her weight but well within normal range. Then the doctor told me that she currently weighs 5 lbs. 14 oz. (No wonder I’m so tired) and she’ll probably be between 6 and 7 pounds when she’s born. So here I am asking the doctor, “Is that bad?” I mean, seriously, I remember a time not too long ago when the average weight of a newborn was 6-7 pounds. When did this change? Why is weighing 6-7 pounds at birth suddenly below average?

Here’s the kicker: the doctor then tells me that not only is she below-average for her weight but that she won’t be a 9 pound baby.

Did I miss something? Was there some meeting last fall where parents and doctors got together and decided that babies born after a certain month had to weigh 9 pounds at birth? If so, I guess I’m in some serious shit. Not that it matters. I’ve already been tossed out of the local mom’s group. I couldn’t possibly lose any more favor with them if I tried.

Just in case you’re curious, Ellen, the whole mom’s group debacle took place over the bikes I bought for my kids. Apparently there was a very special store you were supposed to purchase your kids’ bikes from. It wasn’t any place I’ve heard of but apparently they make their bikes from recycled parts that are also gluten-free, sugar-free, allergen-free, meat-free, vegan free and Non-GMO.

So where did I buy the bikes for my kids? I price-shopped bikes at various major retailers, waited for a sale and POUNCED!!! And when it came out that I didn’t buy the bikes from the “preferred” store, I found myself unceremoniously ousted from the local mom’s group. To tell you the truth, I’ve never been more relieved. The number of Facebook invites for Lu La Roe and other “spend money you don’t have” parties has plummeted. Now I don’t have to show up, pretend I’m interested in the product when all I really want is two hours away from my kids and free food, and go home with a mercy/polite purchase.

Anyway, Ellen, the important thing to remember is that even though she’s “below-average” weight, baby girl is otherwise very healthy and according to the ultrasound, she has ten fingers, ten toes, and a mullet. Yes, you read that last one right.

But there’s still one question I have left.

If you know the answer, please let me know!


A. Marie

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5 thoughts on “Dear Ellen: I didn’t get that memo.

  1. Well, I’m fairly certain that you are happy you aren’t having a 9 lb baby. I know I would be! If she comes out with a MacGyver mullet, you have to post it!

  2. As long as ‘mother and baby’ (as the old phrase used to be) are doing fine that’s all that matters.
    Best wishes for the birth.
    (PS: Be a responsible parent. Ensure your child’s safety with a wheel-free, bolt to the floor bike….for an extra $2,000 we will supply a 60″ screen special tv from which you can select 153 separate moving backgrounds and make the little tot believe they a going somewhere…..order now and get a free fan for that wind-through-the -air effect)

  3. Ok I love this. By the way my daughter was 6 lbs 10oz at birth and nailed a 4.0 GPA her first two semesters of college.

    My son was 6lb 15oz…but was 3.5 weeks early. At his 2wk checkup he was 9lb 2oz and I was like DUDE YOU’RE NOT EVEN DUE YET


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