Dear Ellen: I have a strong homicidal urge

Sometimes I write letters to Ellen DeGeneres. No particular reason. Just because I can.

The two year old - before the coffee table attacked her.
The two-year old – before the coffee table attacked her.

Dear Ellen,

Last Friday, there was an unfortunate incident in my house.  My coffee table violently assaulted my two-year old, cutting her eye.  I told my husband about it when he returned from his guy’s night out. Concerned he asked, “Did you give her lots of hugs and kisses?”

“No,” I said, shaking my head.  “I tossed a towel at her and said clean yourself up and shake it off, kid! There’s no crying in baseball.”

Seriously!  He should know better to ask a silly question like that. Of course I gave her lots of hugs and kisses.  I gave her hugs and kisses right after it happened. I gave her hugs and kisses as I cleaned up her eye and then while I was giving her Tylenol.  She got more hugs and kisses after the Tylenol and then while I was putting her to bed about an hour after the incident.

“Of course I gave her hugs and kisses! And now,” I continued, “if you’ll excuse me, I have a strong urge to assassinate our coffee table.” I grabbed the keys off the wall hook. “I’ll be right back.”

“Where are you going?” he asked.

“To the grocery store to buy an axe.” I started out the door but stopped.  “What aisle would I find that in?”

“An axe? At the grocery store?” He looked puzzled.

“Yes,” I said, tapping my foot. “Would it be in the same aisle as that bag of black chunky stuff that you use to cook with on that thingy that’s in our backyard?”

He scratched his head. “Are you talking about charcoal for the grill?”

“That’s it,” I said, snapping my fingers.  “How come we never buy that stuff anymore?”

“Because our grill uses propane,” he said.


“Honey,” he began, “why don’t you go upstairs and take a shower and leave murdering the coffee table to me?”

“Okay. Just make sure you give it a few extra whacks for me.”

The problem is, Ellen, that my husband never followed through with his promise.  I regret to inform you that the coffee table is still alive and sitting in our living room.  But don’t worry, I have a hit list and that coffee table is on it…along with the filing cabinet that assaulted the four-year old, the kitchen chairs that knocked both the kids of off them and the toaster…..for looking at me funny.


A. Marie


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9 thoughts on “Dear Ellen: I have a strong homicidal urge

  1. Some innocents think ‘they’ are inanimate objects, but we know different don’t we? They are possessed of their own cunning malevolence; chairs and table move just that inch to trip you up or to make cowardly attacks on innocent children.

  2. You better check that the kettle is not in cahoots with them too ! Boiling water can be disastrous. My three year old ended up in hospital when our kettle assaulted him.

      1. I think I was more traumatised than he was! Given he has dark skin (adopted from India), it took many years for the skin to restore to its normal colour.

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