I write letters to Ellen DeGeneres. No particular reason. Just because I can.
***Warning, if you are expecting this blog post to be graphic – filled with Fifty Shades of sex-writing – you’re in the wrong place. My mother reads this and sometimes my grandmother reads this. If you really want dirty, send me an email. I’ll send you pictures of my cat’s litter box. That’s the best I can do. Sorry about your luck.***
I just finished reading this really awesome book called Seduction and Snacks. The author, Tara Sivec, speaks fluent sarcasm – which makes this book a fantastic read. The book is about this young woman who was born with a horrific allergic reaction to small children. So of course, she becomes pregnant and has a baby. Four years later, she and her BFF decide to go into business together selling sex toys and chocolate goodies.
I’m not one for reading romance novels, but this book is F-U-N-N-Y with a capital “F!” The only problem I had with it was the fact that it had a bunch of sex scenes in it. I had the following discussion with my husband about the whole sex scene situation (well, not really. That part’s a lie, Ellen. If I tell you I had this discussion with myself, I’m afraid you’ll think I’m a bag of walnuts and you’ll never ask me to be a guest on your show.)
Husband (but not really): Honey, the name of the book is Seduction and Snacks. What did you think it was going to be about?
Me: I thought it was going to be about a man who gives a woman he just met a giant cheesecake covered in cherries.
Husband (scratches head): But the book blurb specifically mentions that she and her friend go into business selling sex toys. Shouldn’t that have been a hint?
Me: What have I told you about using logic to win a fight?
Husband: Honey, a book about sex toys that doesn’t actually have sex scenes would be like reading Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory with no actual chocolate.
Me: Why would anyone leave out the chocolate?
Husband (groans and walks away.)
Here’s the thing, Ellen. The sex scenes that were written were done very well. They were a gazillion times better than a certain trilogy that was based off of Twilight fanfiction. BUT!!!! What does it mean if I tell you that I glossed over the sex scenes? Does it make me old? Does it make me a prude? Is it okay for me to find the plot and story lines more interesting than the bow-chicka-wow-wow?
What do you think?
I’m not really all that fond of walnuts. Can I be a bag of cashews instead?