Dear Ellen: Let’s talk about sex….or not

I write letters to Ellen DeGeneres. No particular reason. Just because I can.  

***Warning, if you are expecting this blog post to be graphic – filled with Fifty Shades of sex-writing – you’re in the wrong place.  My mother reads this and sometimes my grandmother reads this.  If you really want dirty, send me an email.  I’ll send you pictures of my cat’s litter box. That’s the best I can do. Sorry about your luck.***

Photo by A. Marie Silver It has absolutely nothing to do with this blog.
The Dirty Rooster
Photo by A. Marie Silver
It has absolutely nothing to do with this blog.

Dear Ellen,

I just finished reading this really awesome book called Seduction and Snacks. The author, Tara Sivec, speaks fluent sarcasm – which makes this book a fantastic read. The book is about this young woman who was born with a horrific allergic reaction to small children.  So of course, she becomes pregnant and has a baby. Four years later, she and her BFF decide to go into business together selling sex toys and chocolate goodies.

I’m not one for reading romance novels, but this book is F-U-N-N-Y with a capital “F!” The only problem I had with it was the fact that it had a bunch of sex scenes in it. I had the following discussion with my husband about the whole sex scene situation (well, not really. That part’s a lie, Ellen.  If I tell you I had this discussion with myself, I’m afraid you’ll think I’m a bag of walnuts and you’ll never ask me to be a guest on your show.)

Husband (but not really): Honey, the name of the book is Seduction and Snacks.  What did you think it was going to be about?

Me: I thought it was going to be about a man who gives a woman he just met a giant cheesecake covered in cherries.

Husband (scratches head): But the book blurb specifically mentions that she and her friend go into business selling sex toys. Shouldn’t that have been a hint?

Me: What have I told you about using logic to win a fight?

Husband: Honey, a book about sex toys that doesn’t actually have sex scenes would be like reading Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory with no actual chocolate.

Me: Why would anyone leave out the chocolate?

Husband (groans and walks away.)

Here’s the thing, Ellen. The sex scenes that were written were done very well.  They were a gazillion times better than a certain trilogy that was based off of Twilight fanfiction. BUT!!!! What does it mean if I tell you that I glossed over the sex scenes? Does it make me old? Does it make me a prude? Is it okay for me to find the plot and story lines more interesting than the bow-chicka-wow-wow?

What do you think?

Sincerely,

A. Marie

P.S.

I’m not really all that fond of walnuts. Can I be a bag of cashews instead?

 

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17 thoughts on “Dear Ellen: Let’s talk about sex….or not

  1. I like all kinds of nuts – they’re so good for you – like the release one gets from having an intimate, twilight, shades-of-gray kind of experience. To me you can be cashews or any other nut you want to be. And, no, glossing over those ewy parts is okay. But as a writer, and a reader, I’ve never learned how to skim or gloss. Maybe your next post will tell me how.

  2. Added this book to my list. Incidentally, I had a post with a random rooster on it too! http://tinyurl.com/jj6nbz5 I also didn’t used to like cashews but now I totally love them….Oh, and I only skim over the dirty parts if I’m on, like, a plane and someone is reading over my shoulder. (Makes reading Cosmo a bit difficult….)

    1. Hahaha! I think the part get bores me is the end result is always the same with the sex scenes. Just once I’d really like to read something along the lines of “I know everyone’s expecting me to say I had an orgasm….I wish I could.”

      1. Or they fall out of bed and decide to hit Urgent Care but out of embarrassment and feeling better they go to Chipotle and have a giant bowl of happiness covered in cheese and salsa and then go home and make brownies and eat them. THE END

        1. Ooh! That’s a great ending! That’s the kind of sex scene I’d love to read. In fact the last book, had a scene at the end that had an ending somewhat……exciting ending. I don’t want to give anything away.

  3. I’m allergic to walnuts. Just plain ole peanuts will do. And peanuts are good for you, so being a bag full of them is something Ellen just might go for. Fun post.

  4. Love your humor and writing style. And I also gloss over the sex scenes…it feels creepy to read them, but maybe it’s because I’m getting old too. 🙂 Happy New Year!

  5. I love the disclaimer. Glossing over sex scenes doesn’t make you a prude, you’ve simply arrived at that point in life where reading about sex has become more than a little ho-hum. Like eating, it’s a great deal more fun to experience the activity with someone you love. 🙂

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