Dear Ellen: My 3 year old has been giving language lessons

I write letters to Ellen DeGeneres. No particular reason. Just because I can.

Dear Ellen,

My three-year-old daughter has been giving language lessons to her four-year-old brother.  He’s a little behind the rest of his class and she wanted to make sure he was caught up before kindergarten. Take a look at one of her most recent lessons.

Baby girl: Now, Bobo, if you were to spill water all over the coffee table, what would the correct response be?

Baby boy: Very simple.  My response would be ‘Momma, Uh oh, I made a mess. I spilled water.’

Baby girl: Very good, Bobo, but you forgot one word in your sentence.

Baby boy: What’s that, Sissy?

Baby girl: The response in it’s entirety should be ‘Fuck! Momma, I made a mess.’

Baby boy: Duly noted. But what would my response be if I spilled fruit punch?

Baby girl: That all depends on where you spill it.  If you spill it anywhere in the kitchen, your sentence would begin with ‘Fuck.’ If you spill it on carpeting, your sentence would begin with ‘God Dammit!’ 

Baby girl: Now let’s review some ‘Yes or No’ questions. (walking over toward a chair.) If someone asked you if this was a blue chair how would you respond?

Photo courtesy of Toys R Us

Baby boy: Quite simply, I would advise the inquiring individual that this was a child’s folding chair with a recommended weight capacity of no more than 50 pounds.

Baby girl: That’s all well and good but the question was ‘is this a blue chair?’ What would you say to that?

Baby boy: I’d describe the chair as turquoise with a hexidecimal code of #40E0D0 for anyone interested in knowing that information.

Baby girl: (scratching her head) I fear you’re missing the point.  The answer to the question is quite simply ‘Yes, the chair is blue.’

Baby boy: That can’t be.  It’s far too simple of an answer.  My mind can’t process simplistic responses such as that.

Baby girl: I understand your dilemma. That’s why we’ll practice until you’re able to do so.

Well, Ellen, I think it’s great that she wants to help her big brother.  I just wish she’d pick other words to teach him.


A. Marie


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11 thoughts on “Dear Ellen: My 3 year old has been giving language lessons

      1. 😉 LOL!! Disarm their Kindles and any other computers and electronic devices. I’m convinced that Millennials come out of the womb computer literate as opposed to an old Baby Boomer like me!! 😀

          1. Ha! Ha! Yes young folks do come in handy. I try to get the 20 & 30 somethings on my job to help me since I don’t have children. My cat Sylvester likes to step on my laptop but that only results in gibberish! LOL!! But you are correct. My baby cousins who are still in elementary school have better computer skills than me!!

            Back in the 1960s the close I got to a laptop was an Etch A Sketch!! LOL!! Phones were still rotary dial! TV was Black & White. No cable TV. Hey! I think I’m a dinosaur!!

  1. Wham!! Smash!! Squish!! Love your blog posts! They cheer me up and bring laughter to my day! You are the Erma Bombeck for your generation!! Please keep churning out the chuckles and have a wonderful and prosperous 2017!!

  2. What I miss about rotary phones is the ability to communicate how mad you were by the velocity of the hang-up. It’s far less satisfying to jab the button on a smart phone than to SLAM the piece into its cradle.

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