I write letters to Ellen DeGeneres. No particular reason. Just because I can.
My three-year-old daughter has been giving language lessons to her four-year-old brother. He’s a little behind the rest of his class and she wanted to make sure he was caught up before kindergarten. Take a look at one of her most recent lessons.
Baby girl: Now, Bobo, if you were to spill water all over the coffee table, what would the correct response be?
Baby boy: Very simple. My response would be ‘Momma, Uh oh, I made a mess. I spilled water.’
Baby girl: Very good, Bobo, but you forgot one word in your sentence.
Baby boy: What’s that, Sissy?
Baby girl: The response in it’s entirety should be ‘Fuck! Momma, I made a mess.’
Baby boy: Duly noted. But what would my response be if I spilled fruit punch?
Baby girl: That all depends on where you spill it. If you spill it anywhere in the kitchen, your sentence would begin with ‘Fuck.’ If you spill it on carpeting, your sentence would begin with ‘God Dammit!’
Baby girl: Now let’s review some ‘Yes or No’ questions. (walking over toward a chair.) If someone asked you if this was a blue chair how would you respond?
Baby boy: Quite simply, I would advise the inquiring individual that this was a child’s folding chair with a recommended weight capacity of no more than 50 pounds.
Baby girl: That’s all well and good but the question was ‘is this a blue chair?’ What would you say to that?
Baby boy: I’d describe the chair as turquoise with a hexidecimal code of #40E0D0 for anyone interested in knowing that information.
Baby girl: (scratching her head) I fear you’re missing the point. The answer to the question is quite simply ‘Yes, the chair is blue.’
Baby boy: That can’t be. It’s far too simple of an answer. My mind can’t process simplistic responses such as that.
Baby girl: I understand your dilemma. That’s why we’ll practice until you’re able to do so.
Well, Ellen, I think it’s great that she wants to help her big brother. I just wish she’d pick other words to teach him.