Dear Ellen: My husband crossed over to the dark side

I write letters to Ellen DeGeneres. No particular reason. Just because I can.

Dear Ellen,

My husband has never really been into social media.  He had a Facebook account that he never used and an email account he rarely checks.  If his family wants to know what’s going on with him, they call me. That’s the way it’s always been.

And then last week, it happened.  Out of the blue, my husband informed me that he started a blog, created a Facebook page for the blog and a Twitter handle.

My response: I don’t know who you are or what you want, but go back to what ever laboratory you came from and return my husband to me right now!

He shook his head and laughed at me.

When asked, he told me that his blog will consist of weekly letters that he writes to President Trump. In addition to posting these letters on his blog, he’s also been mailing them to the White House.

Me:  The president?  The president of the United States?  You’re writing the president?

He nodded.

Me:  You’re writing your boss’s, boss’s, boss’s boss?

Him: Yup.

Me: (Slumping into a chair) Well there goes the pay check and health insurance I enjoyed having.

Him: I think you’re being a tad dramatic.

Me: I’m six months pregnant. I’m allowed. It’s in the manual for pregnant women. We can be dramatic for any reason whatsoever while we’re pregnant and if we want to be dramatic post-pregnancy, then we just need to cite sleep deprivation as an excuse.

Not only has my husband been following through with his blog, but now he’s posting things to Facebook – both his personal account and his page. Surely this is a sign that the world is coming to an end.

Even though the fact that he’s writing his boss’s, boss’s, boss’s boss scares the crap out of me, I’ve decided to encourage my husband and his efforts by coming up with a list of topics he should discuss in his letters to the president.

My List of VERY Important Topics

1. Minibars – Effectively immediately, the president should issue minibars to every stay-at-home parent/legal guardian in the nation. Funding should also be supplied to keep the minibars restocked. (A little alcohol can go along away when you’re potty training Satan.)

2. Emergency implementation of the National Center for Missing and Exploited Socks – because what household in this country hasn’t suffered the unexplained loss of socks when laundry is transferred from the washing machine to the dryer. Something needs to be done about this!

3. Research and development – if it isn’t underway already, the president needs to encourage and promote research and development for Jetson homes. I’ve included a video of the Jetson’s for any millenials reading this.  All Jetson homes should come standard with refrigerators that refill themselves, self-cleaning kitchens and bathrooms; and dryers that fold laundry while it’s still in the dryer. (Aforementioned appliances should NOT talk.  That’s just creepy and unrealistic.)

That about sums it up, Ellen.


A. Marie



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