Dear Ellen: My kids have been talking again

Sometimes I write letters to Ellen DeGeneres. No particular reason. Just because I can.

I can't find the "6" and it's driving me nuts. Photo by A. Marie Silver
I can’t find the “6” and it’s driving me nuts.
Photo by A. Marie Silver

Dear Ellen,

My three-year-old and two-year-old have been talking again.  I really need to learn to keep a tape recorder handy at all times because when I tell people about these conversations, they never believe me. Oh well.  Here’s what I heard last night….when I was trying to sleep….more importantly….when they should have been sleeping.

Baby Girl:  Brother, what was all the ruckus I heard in your bedroom last night?

Baby Boy: Well Sissy, I was watching a movie and found that the sound effects were seriously lacking.  To compensate for that, I decided to add my own sound effects.  Momma, however, was not amused by this.

Baby Girl: What was her reaction?

Baby Boy: She came into my room uninvited, informed me that it was 10:15 pm and that I needed to go to bed. Then, she turned off my movie, placing the iPad out of my reach.

Baby Girl: That was terribly rude of her.

Baby Boy: Yes it was, but not nearly as rude as the next comment she made.

Baby Girl: Do tell me what she said. The suspense is killing me.

Baby Boy: She smelled the air and then said, “Bobo.  Did you poop?”

Baby Girl: Really? That was intrusive.

Baby Boy: Indeed it was. The presence of fecal matter in my diaper was not her concern.

Baby Girl:  So she was correct?

Baby Boy:  Yes, but that’s beside the point. An individual should never forcibly enter someone’s quarters and ask such a question. It demonstrates a serious lack of manners on her part.

Baby Girl: I see.  Out of curiosity, does she use a wet wipe on you?

Baby Boy: Yes.  Why do you ask?

Baby Girl: I find it ironic.  Whenever my diaper becomes wet, I’m immediately uncomfortable.  Momma remedies it by removing the wet diaper but then she places a cold, wet cloth on my bottom.  I was uncomfortable because I was wet. How does using a wet cloth solve my dilemma?

Baby Boy: Momma says that when she applies the wet wipe, she’s removing the “sticky” or “smudge,” from our rear ends.

Baby Girl: It’s a preposterous notion.

Baby Boy: (tapping his chin with his forefinger) Hmmm….perhaps I’ll address the topic for my third grade dissertation.

Baby Girl: Wonderful! Be a good sport and let me know about any commentary you receive.

Baby Boy: Most certainly!


Do all toddlers talk this way when they think their parents aren’t listening?  Should I be concerned?


A. Marie

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13 thoughts on “Dear Ellen: My kids have been talking again

  1. My grandson is 2-1/2. He’s not quite as analytical as your little ones. Yesterday, while I was babysitting, he told me we needed to roll on the floor ten times. Of course, I did. I should start writing to Ellen. I can tell I’m going to enjoy following this blog 🙂

  2. What movie was Baby Boy watching – enquiring minds want to know. AND, have you found the #6 yet? I certainly hope so. Things such as this can cause one to go insane.

    1. I’m sad to report the 6 is still missing. Baby Boy was supposed to be watching Disney’s Blue Planet documentary. He normally obsesses over it but the little stinker got up and turned on Cars instead.

  3. DId you check the toilet bowl ? My neighbours very articulate toddler decided theirs was the best possible spot for his father’s very expensive Rolex watch.

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