Dear Ellen: Some people shouldn’t be bank robbers

I write letters to Ellen DeGeneres. No particular reason. Just because I can.

Dear Ellen,

Over the past few months, there have been a lot of stories in the news about bank robberies. Sometimes I wonder about what it would take to be a bank robber and get away with it. I also wonder what kind of person would rob a bank. Are all bank robbers seedy individuals with drug/alcohol/gambling habits to satiate or are there other categories of people who do it as well? Like me, for instance, are there stay-at-home moms like me who rob banks?

Not that I’ve spent any time at all thinking about this, but I started wondering what it would take for me to pull off a bank robbery. Obviously there are a few hurdles I’d have to overcome. First, I’d have to call a babysitter to take care of my kids while I’m pulling off the heist. I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer but I’m willing to bet that a bank robber armed with a screaming, over-tired toddler would catch the attention of law enforcement. Then there’s the whole transportation thing. I can’t exactly drive my monster minivan to the bank. I’d probably have to call Uber to come and get me. Except that, I’ve never had to use Uber before. Do they accept cash or do I have to pay using a credit card?  Absolutely nothing. NOTHING! Would irritate my husband more than if I charged one more thing to my credit card. It’d have to be cash, which I never have on me. That means I’d have to have the Uber driver stop at an ATM machine on the way to the bank so I could pay him for his services.

Then there’s the whole disguise obstacle. I can’t have the Uber driver recognize me or anyone at the bank, for that matter. Plus, I’m 7 months pregnant. That would definitely draw attention when the police are reviewing the surveillance tapes. I’d have to wear a disguise that would make it very clear to anyone watching the tapes that I’m not pregnant. This is what I came up for a shirt I’d make on Zazzle.

Problem solved. Now no one will suspect I’m pregnant.

The only other thing I might wear for the big event – not that I’ve put any thought into this at all – is a black hoodie, because they seem to be all the rage among bank robbers. Plus, they’re super comfortable. But a hoodie might also draw unwanted attention so I designed this to put on the back of the hoodie:

That should alleviate any concerns on the part of the patrons and employees.

But even with all of this planning, there’s always the possibility that I’ll screw up and get caught. Knowing my luck, the police would pick bedtime to raid my house. There’d be no peace in our house after that.

Getting arrested would only complicate my already busy life. In addition to running my kids to school, pediatrician appointments and play dates; I’d also have to add arraignment hearings, depositions, pretrial hearings and probably a sentencing hearing to my schedule. Who has time for all of that? I sure don’t.

I have a striking suspicion that after all the time and effort I invested in planning a bank robbery, I’d probably walk away with a tee-shirt that reads:

Ellen, this is why some people shouldn’t be bank robbers.


A. Marie

Calling all readers! Here’s completely random question: Does anyone else get yelled at by memes? I don’t know what Picard’s problem is but I really wish he’d lighten up.

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11 thoughts on “Dear Ellen: Some people shouldn’t be bank robbers

  1. Haha! Chuckling away here!!.. You’ve certainly produced a draft for a great caper comedy film, or even a sit-com series.
    (Life imitating art: Back in the 1980’s when times were very tough for a lot of UK families. In desperation a respectable wife & mom took to robbing small banks with a replica gun, she wore ski-mask as I recall. As she was quite out of any police profiling system she only faced justice when she gave herself up…and I can’t find the web-site link to refer to it)

  2. If guns weren’t involved in bank robberies, I might be interested in being a co-consipirtor. I simply can’t stand guns – and I’m not talking about “gum” like in the Woody Allen movie – but G-U-N, the kind that shoot bullets, and if you get hit by one it really hurts – that is if you live to feel it.

  3. It’s always important for one to think these kind of things through carefully before executing the plan one finally decides upon. It sounds like more hassle than it’s worth but who knows…if you have a great plan what could possibly go wrong? I think blogging is safer in the long run…more likely to avoid the long arm of the law!

  4. “Officer. My stopping—as you chase me from the bank with this cash—is NOT an admission of guilt. I’m simply old and need to catch my breath.”

    One heist. One getaway. One way ticket to a new life in a non-extradition country.
    —brings new meaning to the saying: Go big or Go home. 😉

  5. Ps… I only get yelled at by Kirk.

    Me: “Silly Captain—”
    JTK: “SC, I. Can’t—”
    Me: (waggling my finger) “Treats are for Tribbles.”
    JTK: (looks at Spock) “Mr. Spock. Please. Remind me. Why. Did we. Trick or treat. At this asshole’s. House again?”
    Spock: (raises his eyebrows) “There is no logical answer, Jim. It makes me smile inside.”

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