Sometimes I write letters to Ellen DeGeneres. No particular reason. Just because I can.
Sometimes my cat and I talk to each other…..well….sort of. You’re about to see what I mean. Here’s a conversation we had just the other day.
I walked into our newly renovated bathroom to conduct some very important bathroom business and found my cat lying on the rug.
Me: Hi Gwennie.
Gwennie: Meow! (Translation: Who the hell invited you?)
Me: Were you taking a nap? It’s a hard life, isn’t kitty?
Gwennie: Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow, meow , meow! (Translation: Can’t you see I’m trying to take a nap? I’ve only slept 15 hours today. I need my beauty sleep. Go poop in some other litter box! This bathroom is MINE.)
Me: So how was your day? Chase any mice? Cough up any hairballs?
Gwennie: Meow! Meow! MEEEOOOOWWW! HISS! (Translation: Are you kidding me? Quit talking to me like we’re girlfriends. Do you not understand English? Fine! Let’s try this in Spanish. El bano esta ocupado, asshole!)
I finished by bathroom business and washed my hands.
Me: See you later, pretty kitty. Kiss. Kiss.
Gwennie: Meow, meow, meow! (Translation: Suck my tail, human!)
We may not understand each other’s language, Ellen, but I know we get along great.