Dear Ellen: Sometimes I talk to my cat

Sometimes I write letters to Ellen DeGeneres.  No particular reason. Just because I can.

Dear Ellen,

Sometimes my cat and I talk to each other…..well….sort of.  You’re about to see what I mean.  Here’s a conversation we had just the other day.

I walked into our newly renovated bathroom to conduct some very important bathroom business and found my cat lying on the rug.

Me:  Hi Gwennie.

Gwennie: Meow! (Translation: Who the hell invited you?)

Me:  Were you taking a nap? It’s a hard life, isn’t kitty?

Gwennie: Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow, meow , meow! (Translation: Can’t you see I’m trying to take a nap? I’ve only slept 15 hours today. I need my beauty sleep. Go poop in some other litter box!  This bathroom is MINE.)

Me: So how was your day? Chase any mice? Cough up any hairballs?

Gwennie: Meow! Meow! MEEEOOOOWWW! HISS! (Translation: Are you kidding me?  Quit talking to me like we’re girlfriends. Do you not understand English? Fine! Let’s try this in Spanish.  El bano esta ocupado, asshole!)

I finished by bathroom business and washed my hands.

Me:  See you later, pretty kitty.  Kiss. Kiss.

Gwennie: Meow, meow, meow! (Translation: Suck my tail, human!)

We may not understand each other’s language, Ellen, but I know we get along great.

Photo courtesy of


A. Marie

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