I write letters to Ellen DeGeneres. No particular reason. Just because I can.
My husband and I enjoy taking long car rides on the weekends, looking at the countryside scenery and escaping the city for a while. Since it’s not legal for us to leave our toddlers home alone, we bring them along too. Over the weekend, we took a long car ride into some unknown city that was filled with beautiful views. While in search of a restaurant for lunch, we passed a community park with a nice playground. The kids went nuts when they saw it.
“Slide! Yellow Slide! Want Yellow Slide. Want yellow slide!”
The playground I take the kids to during the week has a yellow slide therefore every playground is home to one whether it’s yellow or not.
We stopped at a McDonald’s for lunch and proceeded to battle our children.
“Eat first; then slide.”
“Eat your cheeseburger first and then, maybe, we’ll go slide.”
(25 minutes later)
“Take two bites. Just two friggin’ bites and then we’ll go slide.”
My husband and I lost the lunch time battle. Neither one of the kids was willing to eat much of anything. But since we couldn’t get them to eat, we decided to have a little fun with them.
Me: What should we do today?
(Slide! Slide! Slide!)
Husband: I don’t know. The kids don’t seem too interested in anything today.
(Slide! Yellow Slide! Yellow Slide! Want yellow slide!)
Me: I know! Remember that really nice playground we passed on our way here?
Me: Let’s drive past it really slow so the kids can take a good look at it as we go past. Then, when we get home, we’ll put on YouTube videos of other kids playing on slides for them to watch.
Husband: Sounds like a plan.
As we were pulling out of the parking lot, two things happened. First we heard the three year old say, “I want food.”
Her cries went ignored. She had her chance.
The second exciting moment was the battle our takeout cups were having in their assigned cup holders.
Every time I lifted my cup out, it got caught on my husband’s, pulling his lid loose.
Husband: (Groaning) You keep knocking my thingy off.
Me: Well you knocked me up THREE TIMES so I’m going to knock off your thingy as many times as I feel like it.
Husband: (Laughing) Sounds fair to me.
And because we’re not completely cruel – we did drive to the playground with the intention of letting our kids run and play for a bit. Except when we arrived, Ellen, I noticed a problem.
Me: Um. We can’t stay here.
Me: Not one of the slides here is yellow.
(True story. Not one slide was yellow. They were all red.)
Husband: You’re right. Okay kids! Get back in the car!
Kids: Slide! Slide! Want Slide! Want slide!
After about an hour of letting the kids run, we packed them up and continued our Sunday drive. I’d like to tell you it was peaceful and relaxing but every street we turned down had a home with a small playground and every time the kids saw it they went crazy.
“Yellow Slide! Blue Slide! Red Slide.”
I’m officially annoyed with parents who go out of their way to provide these elaborate play yards for their children. Why can’t they just give their kids matches to play with like normal people? I mean, seriously!
Just when I thought we escaped the curse of the yellow slides, I saw one more playground coming up on our right.
Me: Hey kids! Look over here, to the left! Do you see that? Isn’t that dead, half-eaten deer pretty?
Husband: (dying with laughter because he realized what I did.) You are so mean! That was awesome!
Eventually the kids both fell asleep and my husband and I were able to enjoy the majority of the ride home – no thanks to the curse of the yellow slide.
Calling all readers! The answer to the multiple choice quiz I posted on April Fools’ Day is (A). April Fools’ Day is the anniversary of the first date with my husband. But because we’re married, we don’t celebrate the first date anniversary anymore. I spent the majority of the day watching him install new plumbing. Option (C) was partially correct. I did feed the kids chocolate ice cream after 8 pm but they didn’t turn into gremlins, destroying everything in their path. We kept them busy that day so despite the late night sugar, they both went to sleep quickly. Option (D) is really tempting, especially since it comes with jail time. I have a three year old who still doesn’t sleep at night and getting incarcerated might be just the kind of vacation I need.