Dear Ellen: The joys of potty training

Sometimes I write letters to Ellen DeGeneres. No particular reason. Just because I can.

Poor-quality photo taken by A. Marie Silver because that’s what she does. She takes poor-quality photos and posts them on the internet. Sometimes she capitalizes Internet. Other times she doesn’t. She’s not sure who decided Internet should be capitalized, but she believes it’s a silly rule.

Dear Ellen,

The other night, my son had an accident in his diaper.  I guess that’s not really an accident considering he was in his nighttime diaper and we put him in it for that very reason.  But, the next morning I overheard my kids discussing that accident and a few other things.

Baby Girl: Brother, what was all the ruckus about last night?

Baby Boy: I inadvertently produced a bowel movement in my diaper. Upon realizing it, I contacted Momma, requesting her assistance.

Baby Girl:  You produced a bowel movement in your diaper?  Momma’s been making me sit on the potty for weeks now.  I didn’t know we still had the option of putting bowel movements in our diapers.

Baby Boy: I believe, Sister, that Momma and Dadda would prefer if we did not urinate or put bowel movements in our diaper.  I think they would prefer if did all of our potty business on the potty.

Baby Girl: Good to know, Brother. Here I am, feeling the need to produce a bowel movement.  Now I know I should seek out Momma’s assistance in using the potty.

Baby Boy: My goodness, no.  There’s no need to tell Momma you need to use the potty.  Just wait. Momma’s internal clock will alert her to your needs.

Baby Girl: Really?  That’s odd hypothesis considering that Momma is always telling me that I should tell her when I need to use the potty.

Baby Boy:  She’s just trying to make us feel independent.  But really, it’s unnecessary. I feel quite independent. After all, I’m able to urinate and poop without Momma’s assistance. I’ve been doing it my entire life.

Momma:  Okay, Baby Girl, it’s time for you to use the potty.

Baby Boy: See, Sister, I was right. 

Baby Girl: Indeed you were, Brother. 


A. Marie

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