Dear Ellen: The talking toddlers are at it again!

Sometimes I write letters to Ellen DeGeneres. No particular reason. Just because I can.

Future Diva Photo by A. Marie Silver
Future Diva
Photo by A. Marie Silver

Dear Ellen,

After a few rounds of negotiations through our attorneys, my children and I have come to an arrangement regarding this blog.  I’m allowed to record and publish their conversations without their consent so long as I keep their identities a secret.  Also, should I ever make any money off of this blog, I have to place 65% of the earnings into their college savings accounts.  Granted, this is the first time I’ve ever been sued by my children, but I think I got off easy and in the nick of time. My kids had the most adorable conversation yesterday and it went something like this.

Baby Girl: (squirming in her diaper) This is most awkward.

Baby Boy: What is the dilemma, Sissy?

Baby Girl: (shaking her butt inside of her diaper): It seems my intestines have chosen this moment in time to make a deposit in my diaper.

Baby Boy: Most unfortunate.  Shall I call Momma to come and resolve the situation.

Baby Girl: Absolutely not! She will insist upon a diaper change and I simply do not have time for that.  I’m much too busy teaching manners and etiquette to my dollies.

Baby Boy: Really? Are they ill-mannered?

Baby Girl: For the most part they are quite docile. However, as of late I’ve noticed that they don’t acknowledge me when I ask them a question. It’s getting to be quite problematic.  How am I supposed to know which tea to brew for them if they don’t tell me which tea they like?

Baby Boy:  I find that, whenever my toys behave inappropriately, smashing them into a table or tossing them across the room alleviates any stress I feel as a result.

Baby Girl: (trying to take her shirt off): But does it fix the problem?

Baby Boy: No…..what are you doing, Sissy?

Baby Girl: Trying to take my shirt off.

Baby Boy: Why?

Baby Girl: Because I have fecal matter in my diaper and taking off my shirt seems appropriate.

Baby Boy: (scratching his head) Most extraordinary. I’m going to make note of that.

Baby Girl: (Taking the clothes off of the dolls) Let’s see if this fixes it.

Baby Boy: What are you doing now, Sissy?

Baby Girl: I’m removing their clothes.

Baby Boy: Why?

Baby Girl: BECAUSE I HAVE POOP IN MY BUTT AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO!

Baby Boy: I’m not sure that volume or tone was appropriate.  Also, you should know that Momma is coming up the stairs.

Baby Girl: GOOD FOR HER! SHE CAN WRITE ALL ABOUT MY BOWEL MOVEMENT IN HER BLOG! (Smashing her dollies into the table) I’M SURE THEY’D LOVE TO READ ALL ABOUT MY SMELLY POOP!

Momma: What’s going on?

Baby Boy: Sissy has a poop, but don’t trouble yourself over changing her diaper, Momma, she’s far too busy beating manners into her dolls.

Momma: (Nodding) Uh huh.  Baby Girl, put your dollies on a timeout and come with Momma.

Baby Girl wasn’t at all happy about having her diaper changed, but afterwards, she came to the conclusion that the best way to teach her dolls to have manners, was by placing them inside of the refrigerator. I’m not sure how that’s going to help, but at least it’s a less violent approach, don’t you think, Ellen?

Sincerely,

A. Marie

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