Dear Ellen: They said it would be fun. They lied.

Sometimes I write letters to Ellen DeGeneres.  No particular reason. Just because I can.

Dear Ellen,

Today I did laundry.  It’s not an unusual act for me to do laundry. As you know, I have two toddlers. Doing laundry is something I’m quite familiar with.  But because they (I have no idea who “they” are) said it would be fun to fold the laundry and put it away immediately (I normally let it sit in the laundry room for a month), I did. They lied.  It wasn’t fun at all.  In fact, I’m pretty sure it constitutes housework which by practice, I don’t do.  If you don’t believe me, just ask my husband.

Still looking for something fun to do, I decided to clean my bathrooms.  Why? Because they said it would be fun to do it.  Once again, they lied.  It wasn’t fun.  It was a gross reminder that human beings and their hygiene practices are disgusting.  After cleaning the toilet I was left wondering what it is my husband eats on his lunch break. The trauma I suffered from that speculation has guaranteed my therapist a few more years of employment.

I feel betrayed, Ellen, for three reasons. First, because I’m convinced they tricked me into doing housework. Second, because I’m fairly certain they work for my mother.  And last, because I received the following letter from the attorneys representing my children. Yes, that’s right, Ellen. My children – having discovered that I blogged their conversations without their knowledge and consent – have obtained legal counsel from the law offices of Beagle, Doberman, Yorkie & Cat.

Here’s the letter of representation I received. You can click on the image to enlarge it.

Amarie Letter served

I’m not sure what’s worse, Ellen. The fact that my three-year-old and two-year-old have sought legal representation and might actually file a lawsuit against me – their MOTHER! Or, the fact that the legal counsel that represented them, originally represented me in a lawsuit that was filed against me by my cat.

I know one thing for sure, Ellen. I picked a hell of a week to quit sniffing scented candles.


A. Marie


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20 thoughts on “Dear Ellen: They said it would be fun. They lied.

  1. Oh dear, I fear it will only get worse. My deepest, heartfelt sympathies 🙁 I am just grateful that in the house that is my home there lives only one very small and devoted four legged friend who worships the ground I walk, sit and do other things on. My two children, now men, grew up in the days when suing and lawyers were unkown to them. Thank God 🙂

  2. This reminds me, it’s time for the annual shower blast out. (I hate cleaning showers. It seems counter-intuitive that a place in which you wash yourself needs cleaning.) I’ve never figured that one out.

  3. I’m not a fan of laundry either 🙁 I usually have a mountain lurking in my laundry room taunting me. ‘They said’, the laundry fairy would show up, I’m still waiting!

  4. I think it is your age…menopausal women find great relief in both large quantities of bleach used in bathrooms and HRT cream. I can tell you are young – you haven’t trained your husband to do his No.2s at work where they pay people to clean the toilets.

  5. *They* make me so mad. All my life *They* have been there, behind every wall, under every sheet, even in the fibers of my carpet/rugs. *They* are like the devil – perhaps *They* are the devil. We all need to exorcise +them+ out of our lives. Do you think Ellen would have a show where that could take place? I’d watch it, for sure.

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