Sometimes I write letters to Ellen DeGeneres. No particular reason. Just because I can.

Dear Ellen,

On the rare occasion I attend church Week after week, I run into the same dilemma during church. What am I supposed to do during the moment of silence….or reflection…whatever it’s called? I’m not really sure. I assume during that time I’m supposed to pray or something.  That never happens.  Usually what happens, after I fold my hands and close my eyes, is this:

Did I lock the doors? What should we have for dinner? Maybe I should figure out what we’re having for lunch first.  Something smells like poop. Is it my kid or the kid sitting in front of us.  I think it’s the kid sitting in front of us.  Should I brave Black Friday and get my Christmas shopping done early? It’s definitely the kid in front of us. His mom’s reaching for the diaper bag.  Oh crap! We forgot to buy the turkey when we went shopping for Thanksgiving! Is she going to change him on the pew?  Gross! I’ll just buy all the gifts online like I did last year. How could we forget the turkey?  Phew! That kid definitely did a number two in his pants! Did I turn the stove off this morning? I know I put the turkey on the list.  Didn’t I? Somebody needs to tell her there’s a changing station in the bathroom. Did I use the stove this morning or was it yesterday? Why is the choir singing?  Holy cow!  Is church service over already?  Have I been standing up during the entire service?  Why is there is drool on my face?  Did I fall asleep?  What if I snored? Maybe the pastor will take it as a sign that his football jokes need a makeover.

Ellen, do you know what I’m supposed to do during the moment of silence….or reflection?

Sincerely,

A. Marie