Dear Ellen: Why Does the Bible Need Four Johns?

I write letters to Ellen DeGeneres.  Why? Because I Can!

Dear Ellen,

I have a confession.  I don’t remember all the books in the Bible.  I used to know.  I was tested on them when I attended Youth Group and took Confirmation courses.  But that was a really, really long time ago…like hundreds of years before the creation of sparkly vampires.  If I think about it long enough, I can recite the books of the Old Testament all the way to 2nd Chronicles.

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Silly Ellen!  Not those chronicles!  At least…I don’t think so.  I’m not really sure.  To be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever read either of those books in the Bible.  In fact, I’ve never actually read the Bible, except for a few verses here and there.  I wanted to.  At one point, I was feeling really ambitious and decided I was going to read the Bible from beginning to end.  I never made it past Genesis. There were way too many names.  Or maybe that was the time I tried to read the phone book.  Nevermind.  Moving along!

I think we’ve safely established I don’t know my way around the Bible.  So, I joined a Bible study, because I figured we’d be studying the Bible and I could use this as a refresher course.  Sure enough, over the course of the evening, we cover a few verses here and there and the leader of the Bible study will ask for volunteers to read the passages.  I’m proof that God has a sense of humor and I’m willing to bet he tunes in every Bible study, watching me frantically trying to find the various books and verses in my Bible.  Since I don’t know the books of the Bible anymore, I have a method for finding certain books when I need to.  It’s called the, flip-frantically-through-the-Bible-back-and-forth-until-I-miraculously-stumble-on-the-right-book.  Last night that method failed me.

I volunteered to read a verse from 1 John – which I incorrectly assumed was the John that follows Luke.  After I read the verse, the leader of the Bible study had a confused look on her face.  That’s never good.  It turns out I read the wrong verse. I thought maybe I was in the wrong chapter but I wasn’t.  When the leader read the verse, I realized I was Hell and gone from the right part of John. My method of flipping-frantically-through-the-Bible-back-and-forth-until-I-miraculously-stumbled-on-the-right-book blew up in my face.

I returned home on a quest to find that missing verse from John. Because I didn’t want to stay up all night searching for it, I turned to the one person I knew who could help me out: Google.  Ellen, did you know that four of the books in the Bible are all named John?  What’s up with that? I mean seriously, how many books does this guy, John, need to get his point across?

Ellen, why does the Bible need four Johns?

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Sincerely,

A. Marie

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