Fifty Shades of Grey (Chapters 1-8)

SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!

If you are planning on reading Fifty Shades of Grey at any point in time and DO NOT want to know what happens or how it ends then turn away RIGHT NOW!!!!  I will be dissecting the book chapter by chapter and revealing details.

I’d also like to mention that at times through out my blog (not just this particular post) my vocabulary will be colorful in nature. So colorful, in fact, that if the book fails to make you blush, my language most certainly will.

Still with me?  You have been warned.

Fifty Shades of Grey (AKA Mommy Porn) – Seriously?  Mommy Porn?  What genius came up with that?

Chapter 1:

No sex yet.  Sorry to say that actually takes at least another chapter or two.  The main character, Anastasia, is frantically preparing herself for an interview with a major CEO, Mr. Christian Grey.  Quite possibly my favorite part of the entire book is the scene where she falls flat on her face while walking into Mr. Grey’s office.  I can most definitely relate to that, it’s something I would do.

She’s interviewing Mr. Grey on behalf of her roommate who has taken ill.  The interview questions are fairly standard, but she’s inexperienced with the art of interviewing which I suspect leads to her asking the million dollar question of Mr. Grey,

“Are you gay?” That was just priceless.  I wish I could relate to that but even with all of the times I’ve suffered from open-mouth-insert-foot syndrome even I know better than to go there.  I think under more realistic circumstances she would have been tossed out on her ass but then we would have a trilogy.

Chapter 2

Mr. Grey comes to the hardware store she works at (it’s supposed to be a coincidence but I think everyone-especially the audience- knows better) and she arranges another meeting with him.  Nope.  No sex.  Not yet. Just a photo shoot.

Nope.  Not that kind of photo shoot. Just some pictures to go along with the interview she gave him for the university’s paper.

Chapter 4

A rare collection of 1st edition books arrive.  I’ve never heard of the books before but she is very much impressed and horrified that Mr. Grey has purchased them for her as a “graduation gift”.

Chapter 5

She wakes up in his bed after getting shit-faced in a bar and drunk-dialing him.  They have the first of many discussions about her eating.

This is the first real clue to her appearance.  I am a fat girl.  It happens.  Whenever I read about a woman who refuses to eat or who doesn’t have much of an appetite I know right away, she’s a skinny bitch.  Okay maybe bitch isn’t appropriate.  I’ll say skinny Minny instead.

Turn page. Turn page. Turn page.  Okay now he’s escorting her out of his hotel.  Sorry to say there’s still no sex.  At this point he mutters something about paperwork before forcing a big wet one on her.   I know that right before a man kisses me for the first time I love to hear him mention something obscure regarding paperwork.  Man, what a turn on!

Chapter 6

The paperwork Mr. Grey was referring to in the elevator turns out to be a non-disclosure agreement he wants her to sign before any kind of “relationship” develops between them.

At this point I’m yelling, “Run away! Run away!”  And my husband is looking at me like I’ve lost my marbles.  Joke’s on him. I lost my marbles long before this book was ever published.

Chapter 7

The tour of the sex room. What is with men and their toys? Personally I like my husband’s toys much better.  Then again, their really isn’t anything too freaky about his iPad or desktop.

And as if the non-disclosure agreement wasn’t appalling enough, now Mr. Grey mentions the sex contract.  Yes, that’s right, A SEX CONTRACT!

Mr. Grey would like Little Miss thing to agree to spankings, sodomy, the use of a variety of torture devices.  As if that wasn’t enough he also has an appendix in the contract with a list of rules Ana is required to follow.  Personally I like the rule where she’s required to bathe on a regular basis but other than that I think she should RUN LIKE HELL!!!

RUN FORREST!  RUN!  RUN BUBBA!  RUN! RUN GINNY!  RUN!

Alas, even I know if she did run, there wouldn’t be two other books.

Her decision to consider the contract is utterly appalling, in my opinion. Even more appalling is her refusal to eat any of the cheese he offered her.  She’s lucky she’s not in Wisconsin.  They’d string her up for that.

Chapter 8

They finally have sex.  “Vanilla Sex” as he refers to it.  Instead of having really kinky, dirty, nasty sex they have plain, old, missionary style sex because……she’s a 23 year old virgin.  A 23 year old virgin who has never had an orgasm before now has three orgasms during her first sexual encounter. Yep, this is definitely fiction.

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