From the file of random instruction manuals

How to Pee Standing Up

   1.  Locate the toilet. For the most part, they’ll always be found inside of the bathroom – that place where a sink and shower/tub are also located.

This is what the toilet looks like.

If you’re in public, the door to the bathroom may have a symbol like this:

Photo courtesy of

2.  Lift the toilet seat up.

This is what the toilet will look like after the seat is lifted.

3.  Pull your pants and underwear down and hold your fire hose OVER the toilet bowel (that’s the thing holding the water).

4.  If you have any concerns about your aim, let me know and I’ll provide Cheerios to help you focus.




5.  After you’re done relieving yourself: flush the potty, push down the toilet seat and WASH YOUR HANDS.

My dearest sweetheart,

I’ve assembled these instructions to help you learn to go pee pee like a big boy.  Please practice whenever you have the opportunity. Between the two of us, you’re the only one physically capable of training our four-year-old to pee standing up.

Much love and kisses,



Just in case you’re concerned, I’ve checked with the homeowner’s association and Cheerios are not on the list of unflushable items. They won’t ruin our septic system.


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