From the Files of Random Humor: This is why we can’t be friends???

Over the years I’ve had friends come and go. I suffer from open-mouth-insert-foot syndrome, so there have been many times in the past where some of these friends were probably justified in leaving. I’m not really in the mood to be accountable for my past #mistakes, #hubris, #drunkeninstagram photos. Instead I’d like to talk about some of the other reasons former friends have given me for why they couldn’t be my friends any more.

The case of the really loud turn signal

I had a “friend” complain on more than one occasion that the turn signal in my car was too loud. She suggested I take it back to the dealership and have them adjust the volume. Seriously? Is that actually a thing? I looked at her like she was insane and refused her suggestion. That was the last time I ever saw her.

The one time I wasn’t late

My ex was constantly late to everything. Everything. I wasn’t raised that way. I was raised to be on time or a few minutes early. But after living with my ex for a few short months, I found myself falling into his bad habits. Soon enough, it didn’t matter if he was with me or not, I became the person who was late all the time.

There was a short period during our relationship where my ex went out of town for a couple of months. This was back when I still liked him so I found his absence unbearable. To make time pass, my friends and decided to go to Las Vegas for a long weekend. The morning of my flight, I arrived at the airport two hours early, checked my luggage and went to the gate.

When I arrived, my friend and her husband greeted me with this really annoyed look.

Former Friend: You’re early.

Me: Well….yeah. TSA is is telling everyone to arrive two hours early so here I am.

Former Friend: But you’re never early. You’re always late. The only thing people can count on from you is that you’re always late. Why are you early?

Me:  Um….because TSA is telling everyone to arrive two hours early and I assumed they weren’t kidding.

Former Friend: We thought about having you drive us to the airport but we didn’t think we could count you to show up on time. I can’t believe you would do something like this!

Me: (Putting the pieces together and doing all of the math) Oh. So what you’re really upset about is that you had to pay for parking? She flashed a “oh crap, she’s on to us” look at her husband and then made it very clear to me that they had no intention of spending the entire weekend with me because they wanted “alone” time. That was fine by me. I had no desire to watch them get jiggy with it. Newsflash: I’m not into that.

The case of really thick hair

One of my college roommates actually told me that she and I could never be friends because every time I combed my hair, it sounded like someone was raking leaves.

Me: Well, your halitosis isn’t appealing either but I was willing to overlook it.

The case of the chain smoker

Former friend: I can’t be friends with you anymore.

Me: Okay…..

Former friend: You never let me smoke in your house or your car. So what if you have asthma? You’re really selfish.

Me: Well having asthma doesn’t exactly rock my world either but it is what it is.

Former friend: Something has to change because this just isn’t working.

Me: Okay. I can change.

Former friend: You can? You’re going to let me smoke around you.

Me: No. When I said I could change, I was referring to my phone number, email, and Facebook friend status.

I think if I’ve learned anything in my 35+ years of life, it’s that I wasn’t put on this planet to be liked by everyone on it. Likewise, I wasn’t put on this planet to like everyone either. Neither of these two reality checks upsets me.

Now it’s your turn. Have you ever had a ridiculous fight that ended a friendship? Tell me all about it in the comments!

 

 

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8 thoughts on “From the Files of Random Humor: This is why we can’t be friends???

  1. As always you have me laughing. With you not at you. Seems we have a lot in common despite our 25+ year age difference. Those who arrive “Fashionably Late” get on my nerves also. It’s like they are making some kind of statement however we are not at an TV Awards show this is real life. Makes you wonder how they hold down a job.

    Smoking is also a No-No in my book. They smell. Their breath stinks as does their clothing and even their hair. I can remember many moons ago when I still went out dancing, dining and clubbing with my girlfriends and this would be prior to 2003 at which point then Mayor Bloomberg banned smoking in public places, I came home from a night out with the girls smelling like cigarette smoke so badly I had to take a shower and wash my then butt length locs. And I Don’t smoke!! Never did! Well there was my foray into wacky tobacky aka Mary Jane in the late 70s but I left that alone too after a while.

    My Exe– one of the main reasons other than his abusive behavior that he became an Exe- is that he was always clocking me. Meaning when I was hanging out with my girlfriends having drinks and hitting the dance floor my cell phone was doing it’s own little jig at our table. He was calling me every minute wanting to know when I was coming home. This weird intrusive behavior even extended to a Church Women’s Retreat that I went on. Now what misbehavior did he think I would be up to on a Women’s Bible Retreat well I can’t imagine. The Pastor’s Wife is there as well as the Sisters from church. I mean we are studying the Bible, praying, having classes and enjoying ourselves. That nutcase man called me from the time I got up there until I got on the bus back to New York. The retreat was held in the Chesapeake, Maryland area. The retreat center was right next to the water. Very beautiful. The day that man left me Nov. 2007 was one of the best days of my life. Back to being single and able to move about as I pleased. No man keeping tabs on me. To this day I’ve remained Single and Love my Life!!

    1. I’m not so sure about church retreats. At the Bible study I attend there is always WINE!!! Only the good Lord know what kind of trouble my friends would get into at a retreat with no kids or husbands. Glad you got away from your exe!

      1. Well at the time I was attending as I remember a Pentecostal church which tends to be somewhat more strict. Yes we took communion but always grape juice never wine. When I began attending the Baptist church across the street from where I used to live same thing grape juice no wine. I think only the Catholic church uses real wine. Protestant churches opt for the grape juice.

        Our retreat was lots of fun. We enacted Bible based plays and had a pajama party. It was a riot!! I went with my girlfriend, her sister and their Mom. We had a blast!!

        1. That’s awesome! About six months ago, I was stocking up on wine for a Bible study I was hosting. The guy at the liquor store asked where the party was so I told him it was for Bible study. He asked me if I’d been to church recently because otherwise I was going to be in for a shock. I posted this whole conversation on Facebook and got into trouble with my Pastor……for not inviting him to the wine-Bible study night.

          We serve both wine and grape juice at communion in the Lutheran church.

          1. ROTFL!! Since I moved to Brooklyn back in 2012 I have not really found a church I wanted to join but your Bible Studies sound like lots of fun!! I know I would attend!! LOL!!

  2. I tend to be a conflict avoider, so this hasn’t really happened to me. (Which is pretty wimpy on my part, I know.) I have, on the other hand, encountered a number of toxic people who I’ve gradually slunk away from and avoided like the plague in the future. 😄

  3. You should read some of our exit interviews. Things like “I quit because I wasn’t making enough money.” Except NOW YOU ARE MAKING ZERO DOLLARS. Solid logic.

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