Over the years I’ve had friends come and go. I suffer from open-mouth-insert-foot syndrome, so there have been many times in the past where some of these friends were probably justified in leaving. I’m not really in the mood to be accountable for my past #mistakes, #hubris, #drunkeninstagram photos. Instead I’d like to talk about some of the other reasons former friends have given me for why they couldn’t be my friends any more.
The case of the really loud turn signal
I had a “friend” complain on more than one occasion that the turn signal in my car was too loud. She suggested I take it back to the dealership and have them adjust the volume. Seriously? Is that actually a thing? I looked at her like she was insane and refused her suggestion. That was the last time I ever saw her.
The one time I wasn’t late
My ex was constantly late to everything. Everything. I wasn’t raised that way. I was raised to be on time or a few minutes early. But after living with my ex for a few short months, I found myself falling into his bad habits. Soon enough, it didn’t matter if he was with me or not, I became the person who was late all the time.
There was a short period during our relationship where my ex went out of town for a couple of months. This was back when I still liked him so I found his absence unbearable. To make time pass, my friends and decided to go to Las Vegas for a long weekend. The morning of my flight, I arrived at the airport two hours early, checked my luggage and went to the gate.
When I arrived, my friend and her husband greeted me with this really annoyed look.
Former Friend: You’re early.
Me: Well….yeah. TSA is is telling everyone to arrive two hours early so here I am.
Former Friend: But you’re never early. You’re always late. The only thing people can count on from you is that you’re always late. Why are you early?
Me: Um….because TSA is telling everyone to arrive two hours early and I assumed they weren’t kidding.
Former Friend: We thought about having you drive us to the airport but we didn’t think we could count you to show up on time. I can’t believe you would do something like this!
Me: (Putting the pieces together and doing all of the math) Oh. So what you’re really upset about is that you had to pay for parking? She flashed a “oh crap, she’s on to us” look at her husband and then made it very clear to me that they had no intention of spending the entire weekend with me because they wanted “alone” time. That was fine by me. I had no desire to watch them get jiggy with it. Newsflash: I’m not into that.
The case of really thick hair
One of my college roommates actually told me that she and I could never be friends because every time I combed my hair, it sounded like someone was raking leaves.
Me: Well, your halitosis isn’t appealing either but I was willing to overlook it.
The case of the chain smoker
Former friend: I can’t be friends with you anymore.
Former friend: You never let me smoke in your house or your car. So what if you have asthma? You’re really selfish.
Me: Well having asthma doesn’t exactly rock my world either but it is what it is.
Former friend: Something has to change because this just isn’t working.
Me: Okay. I can change.
Former friend: You can? You’re going to let me smoke around you.
Me: No. When I said I could change, I was referring to my phone number, email, and Facebook friend status.
I think if I’ve learned anything in my 35+ years of life, it’s that I wasn’t put on this planet to be liked by everyone on it. Likewise, I wasn’t put on this planet to like everyone either. Neither of these two reality checks upsets me.
Now it’s your turn. Have you ever had a ridiculous fight that ended a friendship? Tell me all about it in the comments!