Dear Ellen: I Suffer from Open-Mouth-Insert-Foot Syndrome

I write letters to Ellen DeGeneres.  Why? Because I Can!

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My collection of notebooks. I need a few more. Photo by A. Marie Silver

Dear Ellen,

I have a disease that most people find insufferable.  I have open-mouth-insert-foot syndrome.  It’s a secondary diagnosis stemming from the fact that my mouth works faster than my brain.  Today, when I was at Staples, printing out the first 1/2 of my 8 millionth effort at a novel, I opened my mouth and shoved my foot inside.  Rubber soles that have come into contact with anything and everything on the street, never taste good.

I asked the sales rep to print out one copy and bind it with a spiral binding.  She was happy to oblige….well, I don’t know if she was happy.  She was probably anxious to make me and the line of customers behind me go away.  When she placed the bound product in front of me, I gazed at it for almost eternity 30 seconds.  It was pretty and almost looked like a professional novel – a fact that makes me very happy.  And that’s when I shoved my foot into my mouth.  “Wow! This almost looks professional,” I said.  The sales rep stared at me.  “What do you mean, almost?”  Oops! Yucky, yucky rubber.

“Er….um….it’s part of a novel and it almost looks like a professional novel.” My toddlers might as well have colored my face with a red crayon.  “Not your job,” I stumbled for the words.  “What you did was great.  Totally professional!”

She smiled and laughed and told me it was fine and that she wasn’t offended.  I sincerely hope that’s true because I live at that Staples and future encounters might get a little awkward.

Ellen, have you ever shoved your shoes into your mouth?  If so, what do they taste like?

Calling all humans!  Have you ever had an embarrassing moment like this one?  If so, please share it in the comments! I’d really like to know that I’m not the only one….although I doubt anyone can beat my record.

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1 thought on “Dear Ellen: I Suffer from Open-Mouth-Insert-Foot Syndrome

  1. I can see why you were mesmerized and maybe stuck your foot unintentionally in your mouth for that dazzling second. Seeing our manuscript printed out is a pretty neat experience. I felt very proud of myself as I clutched my freshly pressed first draft to my chest for the very first time. Though I did print it out at home, so there was less people around to watch my awe and it probably wasn’t quit as shiny and as impressive as yours!

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