Dear Ellen: I still haven’t heard back from M&Ms

I write letters to Ellen DeGeneres.  Why? Because I Can!

It’s day nine of the Writer’s Digest Platform Challenge and today’s challenge is to put yourself on a blogging schedule with some idea of what you’re going to write each day.  If you’ve been following this blog, you can probably guess that my blog topics will be letters to Ellen DeGeneres….and possibly Dr. Phil but my conversations with him never end well.  At the end of our conversations, he shakes his head, looks up at me and says, “What’s wrong with you?”  Sigh.  If I only knew the answer to that.  After the month of October, I won’t be blogging everyday but I’d like to stick to a Monday, Wednesday, Friday schedule with my posts.  So there you have it.  I have completed the challenge for day 9.  Now on to the real reason you’re reading this blog.

Photo by A. Marie Silver I uploaded this one by accident.
Photo by A. Marie Silver
I uploaded this one by accident.

Dear Ellen,

A couple of days ago, I wrote to M&Ms to tell them how much their white M&Ms have helped with potty training my 3 1/2 year-old. According to my son, white M&Ms taste the best.

The makers of M&Ms haven’t responded yet, so I decided to write their response for them. I figured if they did respond, it would read something like this:

Mrs. Silver, thank you for your kind letter. We’re so happy to hear that our white M&Ms have had a positive impact on your son’s potty training. In fact, we recently shared this information with several of our staff members who are desperately trying to get their kids potty trained as well. After introducing the white M&Ms as a reward for using the potty, 40% of the staff members using this method reported that their children began using the potty for pee pee but not poo poo. 20% of our staff members using this method stated that their children potty trained in 18 months. 25% of our staff members reported that this method only helped with getting their kids into the bathroom. 10% of our staff members reported that the white M&Ms had no effect and 5% of our staff members reported that their children threw the M&Ms back at them, refusing to use the potty at all. Based on this research, we’re now going to sell bags of special edition white M&Ms specifically designed to encourage children to potty train. They will be white with our logo on one side and a potty on the other.

We wish you the best of luck with potty training your child.

Sincerely,

White, Red, Brown, Orange and Green M&Ms.

Obviously M&Ms didn’t write this letter, Ellen, but I couldn’t wait another moment for their response. Do you think I have too much time on my hands?

Sincerely,

A. Marie

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