I write letters to Ellen DeGeneres.  Why? Because I Can!

Dear Ellen,

My husband has some incredible retirement plans.  He wants to purchase a lot of land and have a self-sustaining farm complete with a vegetable garden.  Last night, we were discussing chickens because I told him I wanted chickens so that we could have fresh eggs.

He said, “Keep in mind, it’s not just about the eggs. You have to clean their straw and feed them too.”

Me: “So it’s like having a couple of cats?  Great, we’ll get them a litter box…one of those self-cleaning kinds.”

He laughed at that.  “And when the chickens are too old to lay eggs, we’ll slaughter them.”

Me: “What? No! When they’re too old to lay eggs, they’ll become the family pets.”

“No.” He shook his head.  “They’ll be a drain on the farm if we keep them.  We should eat them.”

Me: “Our cats are a drain on our household.  We don’t eat them.”

“Chickens are for producing eggs and chicken meat.  They are not pets,” he said.

Me: “My chickens are not for eating meat.  They are furbabies.”

Him: “Where do you think chicken meat comes from?”

Me:  “The grocery store.  And that’s where we will get ours from.”

Him: “You do understand that those chickens were once alive and living on a farm, don’t you?”

Me: “Are you seriously trying to use logic and reasoning to win this fight?”

Him: “Um…”

Me: “Let me make this perfectly clear.  We are NOT killing Camilla and Charles because they are too old to lay eggs.”

Him: “Who are Camilla and Charles?”

Me: “Our chickens!”

Him: “Why are you naming chickens before we even have any?”

Me: “I didn’t hear you complaining when I named our kids before we had them.”

Him: “Chickens are not kids.”

Me: “Of course not! They’re furbabies!”

Him: “They don’t have fur! They have feathers!

Me: “Whatever!”

Ellen, I’m afraid we’re going to need your input on this one.  Do you think chickens are for eating? Or do you think they’re furbabies?

Sincerely,

A. Marie