Random Conversations & Mother’s Day Gift Don’ts

This blog post contains random conversation snippets between my husband and I. You’ve been warned.

While Sitting at the Restaurant

“Explain this to me one more time,” my husband said as he wrestled his fries away from our five year old. “We’re eating out because you lost our dishes?”

“Yup,” I nodded. “Their whereabouts are a total mystery.”

“An entire set of dishes?” He asked again. “All of our plates and bowls?”

“Not the entire set,” I said. “Just the pots, pans and other random tidbits I use to fix dinner.”

“Uh huh,” my husband responded. The tone of his voice hinting at disbelief.

The Car Ride Home

Child-in-utero was headbutting the crap out of my bladder.  RUDE! I squirmed, shifting around in my seat.

“You okay, babe?” My husband asked, patting my over-sized pregnant belly.

“Honey,” I said, shifting in my seat, “I need to ask you something and I need a really honest answer.”

“Okay.”

“Do I look fat?” Because sometimes you just need to screw with your husband.

“No,” he chuckled. “You do not look fat.”

I leaned back in my seat. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Because I feel so bloated and icky.”

“You do not look fat,” he said, trying hard to control his laughter because he knows I’m screwing with him. “But I wouldn’t be surprised if someone asks you tonight if you’re pregnant.”

“Well that’s just rude!”

“Why?” He asked. “You are pregnant.”

“That doesn’t give people the right to ask,” I whined.

Back at Home

“Honey,” my husband called.

I waddled down the stairs. “Yes.”

“I think I solved the mystery of the missing dishes.”

“Really?”

I waddled into the kitchen and found my husband standing in front of our open dishwasher.

“Are these the dishes you couldn’t find earlier?”

Busted! He totally found my hiding spot. “Um….yeah…..”

“Well,” he began, “looks like they were in the dishwasher and hey!” He pulled out a bowl. “They even look clean.”

Crap. Looks like I’ll have to fix dinner tomorrow.

And now for some friendly Mother’s Day Shopping Advice…..

Warning: The following doesn’t actually contain any affiliate links for two very good reasons. Number 1: I’d get fired for writing it. Number 2: I’m still trying to figure out if I want to write product reviews on my blog. However, because I couldn’t find royalty free images of these products, I did include links so you could get a visual. That being said, I’ve spent the last couple of days trying to figure out what to get my mother and mother-in-law for Mother’s day and the most progress I’ve made is narrowing it down to what I know I’m not going to get them. I strongly advise everyone reading this to take my advice.

DO NOT! Get your mother/wife/girlfriend/baby momma ANY of the following:

A whoopie cushion – Why is this even a thing?

Fake poop.  – A total waste of money, especially if you have small children who are being potty trained. Fake poop wouldn’t phase the woman in your life one bit.

A fart machine – I don’t care if it comes with a remote control! The only thing a fart machine will get you is a trip to the doctor for a very expensive prostate exam. DON’T DO IT!

What should you get your mother/wife/girlfriend/baby momma for Mother’s Day?

I can’t vouch for all women but I know what I want: I want my husband to get up at 6:00 a.m. and feed the kids. I want him to clean the poop (fake or real) up and last but not least, I want him to give birth to the child-in-utero while I take a nap. But as I mentioned before, just because it sounds good to me, doesn’t me every woman will go for it.

 

 

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