Here’s my week – in a nutshell.
Stuff happened. I’m not sure what. I wasn’t paying attention.
I felt a sudden urge to clean everything in the house. I started with the nursery: wiping down every inch of the crib and then covering it with plastic wrap so it wouldn’t get dirty before the baby comes. Then I went into the kitchen.
The fruit in our fruit bowl looked dirty so I used my husband’s Sonicare toothbrush to clean the skin. A word to the wise – don’t use tooth paste to clean fruit. All it does is leave an icky white film all over the surface.
In honor of International Women’s day: I took the day off, informing my “employers,” that I would be unavailable to wipe their butts, prepare their mac ‘n cheese, or kiss their dolly’s boo-boos. In lieu of my regular duties, I spent the day desecrating my husband’s man cave by using it to binge watch the Lifetime Movie Network and the Oxygen channel. It’s been a few years since I’ve had the opportunity to binge watch anything on either of these stations. Just in case you’re curious, the moral of all of the movies are still the same: all men are evil bastards who beat women, kick their cats/dogs and set fires. In all honesty, I only lasted an hour before I turned on a Big Bang Theory marathon – not that I told my husband the truth. He spent the rest of the week “cleansing” his beloved sanctuary by burning sage and trying to cast out evil, feminist demons.
A random conversation with my husband:
Husband (finishing a bite of mac ‘n cheese): There’s something different about the way the mac ‘n cheese tastes when you fix it versus when I fix it. I’m not saying it’s bad; but it’s definitely a different flavor.
Me: Huh. Maybe I should stop peeing in it.
Husband (spitting out a mouth full of mac ‘n cheese): You pee in the food you feed our children?
Me: Of course not! I only pee in the stuff I serve you.
See what I did there? I just got myself out of cooking duties for the rest of my life.
The three-year-old was jumping on the couch – again – despite our many warnings that she shouldn’t do this. All of a sudden, while in mid-air, she fell into a backwards somersault and landed face down on the living room floor. I turned my head away so she wouldn’t see me laughing at her. Not just laughing – I was in hysterics with tears streaming down my face. I glanced over at my husband. He was covering his face so she wouldn’t see him also laughing at her. Just in case you’re curious, she’s fine. She picked herself up off the floor, climbed onto the couch and started jumping again.
I ate a box of donuts and a gallon of ice cream because the child I’m currently possessed by told me I had too. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!