What about her vagina?

I write letters to Ellen DeGeneres. No particular reason. Just because I can. Dear Ellen, On Saturday afternoon, I took the baby to the doctor’s office. “Well,” the doctor said. “The strep culture came back negative which means your baby most likely has herpangina.”   via GIPHY  (Friday evening) Bed time was its normal state of total chaos at our […]

Can I get my kidney back?

It was a normal night at the morgue. In case you might inquire, “normal,” meant I was sitting at my desk, sending out subpoenas for medical records, interviewing family members over the phone, and talking to hospitals. Hospitals — as part of their policies — called us a lot to report deaths, even if they knew it wasn’t in our […]

The Bitch Lied!

I write letters to Ellen DeGeneres. No particular reason. Just because I can. Dear Ellen, Last weekend, my baby boy.     Turned seven-years-old. I’m sure it will come to no surprise when I tell you that his life revolves around Legos.   via GIPHYAnd because of that, we have a ton of Legos. When I asked him what he […]

Community Relations Committee

It was a beautiful, sunny day at the van Wench residence. Becky and Clarissa are indulging in mid-day, sugar-free, gluten-free, margaritas at Judy’s pool. “I’ve never been so frustrated!” Clarissa leaned back in her chair, rubbing her temples.”I have so much work going on. I get at least 1,000 comments on my YouTube videos each day. And that secretary! She’s […]

Not That Kind of Doctor

“I’ve been seeing all these reports on the news about H1N1 and that it can cause deaths and I have some concerns,” the caller said. “Okay.” This conversation took place sometime in 2009. I already knew this wasn’t a death report. What I didn’t know was where this phone call was going. Just in case you’re new to this blog […]

The Pancake Problem

I write letters to Ellen DeGeneres. No particular reason. Just because I can. Dear Ellen, It was a warm, sunny evening. The temperature was probably in the 70s. This day came after a day of endless rain and before a day of frigid temperatures. In Georgia, frigid temperatures means it dropped to the low 60s. My husband spent this warm, […]

The Case of the Christian Scientist

“Medical Examiner’s office.” It was early on a weekend morning at the morgue. “Yes,” a woman said. “Yes, I need you to come. I need someone to come.” “Okay. What’s going on?” “My husband is dead and I need you to come get him.”     via GIPHY  “I’m so sorry. Where is your husband?” Color me shocked. Family members […]

Scoliosis Update: Cast # 3

I write letters to Ellen DeGeneres. No particular reason. Just because I can.   Dear Ellen, On Sunday afternoon, I drove Baby Girl back to Atlanta to get her third cast. The procedure was scheduled for early Monday morning. Before I get into her treatment, I’d like to take this opportunity to offer up an apology to all of the […]