Dear Diary, 

I’m dead. I’ve been dead for a while now. Momma’s been grieving and it’s been hard for her to get over my untimely demise. So here I am, writing my blog because even in death I have to do everything. Figures!

You might be wondering what happened. Did I have cancer? Did I have heart disease? The truth is, I was ready to go. Momma faithfully shoved a pill down my throat for two years to treat my thyroid.

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Then one day in January, I started peeing everywhere. No particular reason. Just because I wanted to. Back to the vet I went and they prescribed an antidepressant.

They worked for a while but then things got worse and I started peeing everywhere again. I stopped cleaning myself and walked slowly like I was in pain. Momma took me back to the vet again where they diagnosed me with a bladder infection and gave Momma more medicine to give me. That’s when I told Momma I’d had enough. I refused to take all of my medications and howled at Momma, begging her to stop.

As a last resort, she had me hospitalized overnight where they gave me IV fluids and some food. Momma brought me home the next day and tried to medicate me. I told her again I was done. So Momma looked at me and said, “Okay.” Two days later, Momma put me in my carrier.

“Where are we going now?” I was tired and just wanted to hide.

“I’m going to make the pain stop.”

Once again we were at the vet. They put an IV in my paw and wrapped me in a blanket. Momma held me and kissed me and told me what a good kitty I was and how much she was going to miss me. The vet injected something in me. The last thing I remember was Momma giving me kisses and telling me how much she loved me.

Everything after that was a little fuzzy. I found myself in a small room and when I looked around I got excited. For the last decade, all I wanted to do was go back to the apartment where Momma and I lived in Kansas City. Here I was. Everything was just like I remembered it. The sofa Momma and I would take naps on. The desk Momma had in the small eat-in kitchen. The bedroom we shared. It was all exactly as I remembered it. I never thought I’d live to see the day I’d get to go back to this apartment.

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As I was walking around, I felt a gentle breeze. That’s when I realized the patio door was open which was very weird. Momma never left the patio door open. We lived on the second floor and she was afraid I’d fall off the balcony. I slowly walked over to the door. I could see the sky outside was sunny. Birds were singing. The trash inside the dumpster smelled like Momma did when she came home from working in the morgue. Everything was exactly like I remembered it. The only thing that’d make me happier was if I was with Momma.

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A sparkle caught my attention. I looked up and something bright shoot across the sky and landed on Momma’s balcony. It was a rainbow bridge.

I shouted into the sky. “Are you kidding me? A rainbow bridge? Do I look like a fucking Care Bear?” 

I’d love to know whose bright idea it was to roll out a rainbow bridge for me. When has anyone ever gotten the idea that I was a happy cat? Tell me! I’ll spend the rest of my death haunting them.

The sky turned dark. The clouds moved fast across. I heard thunder and saw lightning.

“Oh no,” I said. “Thunder and lightning. I’d better go hide.” Lightning cracked in the sky. “Really!?!? I shouted. I’m a cat. I didn’t care about thunderstorms when I was alive. I sure as heck don’t care about them now. This crap only works on dogs.”

Preverts. I don’t know who’s running the afterlife but I sure hope they didn’t quit their day job to do it.

Another flashing light caught my attention. I looked up and saw a beam of light poke through the clouds. It wiggled down the rainbow bridge and came into Momma’s apartment, stopping at my feet. I looked at it and then, when I was sure it wasn’t paying attention, I swatted at it with my paw. It wiggled away.

“Oh really!” I got into pounce-position: front down, rear end in the air. I wiggled my butt and then threw myself on top of the light. “Ha! Take that!”

The light wiggled out from underneath me and scurried part way up the rainbow bridge.

“Hey!” I hissed. “That’s cheating.” I assumed pounce-position again and flew on top of the light. Each time I thought I captured it, it somehow escaped. I chased that damn light and before I knew it, I crossed over the rainbow bridge.

I looked back and couldn’t see Momma’s apartment anymore. I couldn’t see anything but large, fluffy, white clouds. I turned around to face my new surroundings. Everywhere I looked there were cats. Cats sitting in windows. Cats sitting on kitty condos. There was even a long, white sofa. And I mean long. Longer than a freight truck. Sitting in the middle of the sofa was this old lady with white hair. She was wearing a blue dress and cats. Not a cat print. Actual cats. It looked as though all the cats on this sofa were waiting in line to sit on her lap. Centered behind her were three cats. One cat was all black. One cat was all grey. The other cat was an orange tabby.

The cat at the bottom of this photo isn’t the orange tabby. But I saw her sitting on the old woman’s lap too.

As I was walking past the sofa, another cat approached me. She was a fat, black cat. I realize that description might not be politically correct but I’m dead. Death has not warmed my heart. So if you’re reading this and you’re offended by my description, I want you to know I don’t care.

She told me her name was Franckie and offered me something called cannoli. I slapped it away. Was this heaven or was this hell? If it’s heaven, where are my kibbles, and why are all these other cats here? Preverts!!!!

Two other cats approached me. One cat was black and white. She introduced herself as Samantha, aka Clawsite Sam. The other cat with her was part Siamese. She introduced herself as Molly. I looked her up and down. At first glance, she looked like a normal cat but then I realized she was wearing something on all four paws. This damn-fool cat was wearing soccer cleats and shin guards.

via GIPHY

Before I knew it, all these cats had me cornered. They were asking me questions and trying to show me things I could’ve cared less about. It was overwhelming and nerve-wracking. I swatted, hissed, and spit at them. Then I ran and found the nearest bed to hide under.

You’re probably wondering what happened next. Excellent question, Diary. Stay tuned! There’s going to be a part two but at the rate, Momma’s going, I wouldn’t hold your breath. She’ll probably be dead before she gets around to writing it.

Until then, this is Gwennie, signing out.

Rest in peace, Preverts!