Table of Contents
A Letter to Jesus
Dear Jesus,
I have problems forgiving people.
I mentioned last week that I had a list of 5 people I struggle to forgive. Just when I think I’ve forgiven and forgotten, an unpleasant and intrusive memory pops into my head. And just like that, I’m angry and betrayed all over again. Sometimes these intrusive thoughts happen daily. For everyone reading this, please understand forgiveness isn’t always immediate, especially when the person who caused the hurt is unrepentant.
I also want to know if there’s anything in the Bible that can help me forgive people who aren’t ashamed of their behavior. The great thing is, I know you, Jesus, will help me figure this out. It might take a while for your message to get through, but with you in my corner, I’ll get there. I will understand.
Strike 1: Sitting Next to Jesus
When I was attending confirmation classes at my church many years ago, one of my youth group teachers was also a teacher at my junior high school. On one occasion, he was discussing our Bible lesson of the day with us, and he made a comment that I’ll never forget.
He told us that when he goes to heaven, he wants to be seated as close to Jesus as possible because of the life he lived. In my teenage mind, I envisioned a Heaven where only the cool kids were seated closest to Jesus. Everyone else who skated into heaven on fumes was lucky if they got even a glance of Him.
“Well, that’s fantastic,” I remembered thinking. “I’m putting up with all this crap so that I can die and go right back to high school with all the bullies.”
As a kid, this depiction of Jesus only hanging out with the cool kids was disheartening. That’s not at all what I thought heaven was. I hadn’t given it a whole lot of thought, but I definitely didn’t want to spend my eternity being teased and ignored by a bunch of people who thought they were better than me.
Heaven is nothing like what my teacher described. When I think of Jesus in heaven, I think of a wedding reception. Jesus makes his way from table to table, spending as much time seated with the unmentionable guests at the back of the room as he does with the bride and groom.
Strike 2: The Time I was Asked to Sin
The same youth group instructor was also responsible for organizing all of the outings the church hosted for the youth group kids.
He made a point of telling us in class one night that if he called us three times to invite us to one of the outings and we said “no” to all three outings, he’d stop inviting us because it wasn’t worth his time.
First, I commend the man for taking on the responsibilities that came with his position. Something like that isn’t easy to coordinate. But when you’re in a church being told that if you can’t go to a youth group event three times in a row, he’s going to stop inviting you because you’re not worth the effort, it leaves you wondering:
At this point, it’s safe to say I didn’t like the man. I didn’t agree with some of his views on how heaven worked when it came to seeing Jesus, and I definitely didn’t like being told kids weren’t worth his time. But those are just my opinions and this happened a long time ago.
But then, just when I thought I couldn’t dislike him anymore, he pulled another distasteful moment out of his hat.
For context, the youth group meetings were held on Monday evenings. As a student, my study habits were, at times, nonexistent at best. My grades weren’t good. Why? I’m so glad you asked. I was lazy and uninterested in school. Because of my poor grades, my parents established several rules designed to torture me. No Nintendo during the week. And if I had a test or big assignment due on Tuesday morning, no youth group on Monday night.
On a Friday, the youth group teacher called me. I don’t remember why he called. Maybe it was something he did to check in on the older kids in the youth group? It’s been so long, I only remember he called, and during the discussion, he asked if I’d be at the youth group on Monday.
Me: I’d like to, but I have a test on Tuesday, and I’m not allowed to go on Monday nights if I have a test on Tuesday.
Him: Well, study a little bit now and throughout the weekend, and then you can go on Monday.
Me: That’s good advice, but the rule is that if I have a test on Tuesday, my parents don’t want me to go to youth group on Monday.
Him: Then don’t mention the test to your parents.
Between you and me, I didn’t want to go on Monday. The kids were bullies. The pastor was mean, and then there was this guy, who apparently wasn’t aware of the chapter in the Bible where it says kids are supposed to obey their parents.
Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.
This verse is one of the 10 Commandments—the fifth commandment, to be exact. My youth group instructor told me to break the fifth commandment. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
I don’t remember exactly how the phone call ended, but I know I was sassy and told him he was asking me to break one of the commandments.
Needless to say, I didn’t go to church on Monday. I also didn’t study for my test, but that’s another story entirely.
Getting to the Point of Forgiving the Unrepentant
At the time of this conversation, the teacher involved was unrepentant. He never apologized for trying to get me to lie to my parents and never admitted to any wrongdoing.
Every now and then, the angry memory of him trying to get me to lie to my parents will sneak into my mind. And when it does, I also become angered by the fact that this man had no shame for what he tried to get me to do.
The Bible tells us to forgive. Our bodies are programmed to forgive. But what does the Bible say about forgiving people who don’t feel any shame or remorse for their actions? The answer is: nothing.
There isn’t anything in the Bible that specifically addresses forgiving under those circumstances. The general idea is to forgive because it is what God commands us.
However, multiple verses in the Bible address how we should treat our enemies. Here is one such verse:
"But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you."
The Benefits of Going No-Contact
And there you have it. We love and forgive even when the person(s) on the other hand seem unworthy.
The question remains: what does forgiveness look like?
The answer is entirely dependent on the people involved. I’m not going to tell anyone reading this what forgiveness should look like to them. I will say that forgiveness does not mean maintaining a friendship or communication with the person you’re forgiving. There is something healing about going no-contact.
Going no-contact can be temporary or permanent. It’s up to the injured party to decide what’s best. Alexis Friedlander from The Avoidant Therapist believes that going no contact for as long as 30 days can help individuals gain mental clarity and provide an emotional reset. Just remember, part of going no contact means staying off social media, text messages, and emails.
Therapist Briana MacWilliam describes going no-contact as a form of emotional detox, particularly when an individual has been in a very stressful relationship. It also helps people end unhealthy cycles that were present in the relationship and allows for individual growth.
Read More: Why No Contact Works: 10 Must-Know Reasons
Jordan Glass published an article on Innerspace Counseling regarding the impact that going no-contact can have on one’s mental health. According to the article, doing so can help enhance coping skills and allow individuals to foster a supportive network of friends and family.
Forgiveness Does Not Mean Friendship
It is okay to stay away from toxic people who cause harm. In today’s world, where narcissistic personality disorder runs rampant, it’s comforting to know that Jesus supports no-contact. Keep in mind, he still commands us to forgive those who hurt us. But forgiveness doesn’t mean friendship.
I did some digging and found two Bible verses that encourage people to stay away from those who would cause harm, whether emotional or physical. The first Bible verse is from 1 Corinthians.
Do not be misled: "Bad company corrupts good character."
I spent years living with a narcissist, and I can tell you that over time, I noticed myself becoming more and more an unlikable person. I treated this person the way they treated me. And my behaviors bled into other relationships in my life.
Nothing excuses my behavior toward other people in my life. Nothing. But once I removed myself from the situation, I gradually became better. Not perfect. But less of a jerk.
The next Bible verse is from the book of Proverbs.
Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.
Anybody remember Mean Girls? In short, a teenager who’d been homeschooled all her life goes to high school for the first time and falls in with a crowd of mean girls. Eventually, she also becomes a mean girl and gets her teacher in trouble for alleged drug possession.
By the end of the movie, she has learned a few hard lessons and returns to being herself, now surrounded by better people. That’s basically the verse from Proverbs. Associate with nice, loving people. Or associate with jerks and become a jerk. Again, it’s evidence that suggests Jesus wants us to know we can stay away from wicked and evil people. In today’s language, wicked and evil can be translated to toxic and narcissistic.
The Grand Finale
If you’re still reading this, thank you!
The main points I hope I made are:
- Forgiveness isn’t simple. It’s something most people will have to work on every day.
- Every time an unhappy memory sneaks into our minds, praying to Jesus or saying memory verses are things we can do to accomplish forgiveness.
- Forgiveness does not mean friendship. You can forgive someone and also choose to maintain no contact with them. Numerous Bible verses and psychological studies support this.
- There is no popularity contest in heaven. We will all get our chance to hang out with Jesus.
The youth group instructor who asked me to lie to my parents died within the last year. I genuinely felt sad when I learned of his death. Even though I didn’t like him, he was a part of my childhood. This might not make sense when reading it, and I wish I could make it clearer, but I can’t. All I know is that a small part of me felt sad when I learned he had died.
His death made me realize it was way past time to forgive him. And so, I forgive him. And any time that unpleasant memory of him trying to get me to lie to my parents pops into my head, I forgive him. And when I remember him describing heaven as a place where only the cool kids get to sit next to Jesus, I forgive him. And I pray to Jesus to help me forgive him and shut that door to my past.
Obligatory Call to Action
What do you do when you’re struggling to forgive? Please tell me in the comments! And if you enjoyed my incessant rambling, please like and share this blog with others.
