Table of Contents
A Letter to Jesus
Dear Jesus,
Once upon a time, I prayed for more visibility on social media. You did not disappoint. Thank you for all the social media views I’ve received recently. I’m grateful for every single person who commented, liked, or shared my post. I’m even grateful to the people who made negative comments. Because of them, I now have insight and experiences I can share with my kids when and if they encounter the same kind of negativity on social media. It’s also another great example to share with them of why their father and I won’t let them anywhere near social media. Thank you, Jesus, for all your blessings.
Sermon Snippets
Not exactly a sermon snippet, but last week in adult Bible study, we were discussing Numbers 22: the story of the talking donkey and the seer who couldn’t see Jesus.
Someone in the class mentioned how the talking donkey made them think of the donkey in Shrek, and that’s when my creativity went into overdrive. Here is a comedic retelling of Numbers 22.
If you’re not familiar with my writing, I strongly encourage you to read Coloring with Jesus. Find the table of contents and select The Rules. This might help explain a few things.
The Cast of Characters
Lord Farquaad as King Balak
Shrek as Balaam
Donkey as Donkey
Alan Rickman (Metatron) as the Angel of the Lord
Jean Luc Picard as The Extra who's not afraid to yell profanities at me.
Boromir as Extra #2
Confused Lady as Extra #3
Morgan Freeman as God
Numbers 22 - The Rewrite
Act 1 – Scene 1: Nobody’s Gonna Ruin My Kingdom
∼ Lord Farqaad
King Balak glanced out at his kingdom, nervous at the number of Israelites he saw around the borders of Moab. Despite the large number, he was unwilling to admit defeat and came up with a plan.
He turned toward his men. “Nobody’s gonna ruin my kingdom! Bring me the seer, Balaam, at once! One curse from him and these foreigners will flee from this kingdom.”
“But, my Lord,” the nervous knight began, “the seer lives in a swamp. A ghastly pit where it’s rumored that evil spirits and ogres reside. Many men have gone in. None has come out. Must it be this man?”
“Swamp?” King Balak turned toward the knight, furrowing his brow. “We live in a desert. And ogres? Are you mad? This isn’t Genesis 6. Bore someone else with your concerns and fetch the seer at once!”
Act 1 – Scene 2: What Are You Doing In My Swamp
∼ Shrek
Balaam – the seer – was relaxing after a long day in the bog. He gobbled down crickets and his favorite swamp soup and was just about to kick back and relax when there was a knock at the door.
On the other side of that door was a nervous knight. One who did not want to return without Balaam. On the other hand, he didn’t want to knock on the door either, afraid of who would greet him. With no other option, he took a deep breath and did so.
Balaam – annoyed by the knock on the door, yanked it open to confront his unwanted visitor.
“What are you doing my swamp?” He yelled at the nervous knight.
The knight was so frightened, he lost a few of his sprinkles.
“Please, sir,” he whimpered. “I have a message from King Balak. He has an urgent matter to discuss with you. Respectfully, he requests that you return with me to the kingdom so you can place a curse on the strangers who are surrounding our land. His request comes with a lucrative reward.”
Act 1 – Scene 3: I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying right here.
∼ Shrek
Balaam — eager to accept the offer and collect the reward — told the nervous knight to stay the night while he (Balaam) prayed to God about what he should do.
Unfortunately for Balaam, God instructed him not to go with the nervous knight and also not to curse His people.
The next morning, Balaam broke the news to the nervous knight. There would be no curse because God said no.
The nervous knight turned around and slowly walked back to the kingdom, not at all excited to share this update with King Balak.
Act 2 – Scene 1: I’m in charge here! And I will not tolerate disobedience!
∼ Lord Farqaad
King Balak soaked in a tub, drinking a martini while making a list of his top priorities for the day.
- Curse the Israelites
- Book a Cruise
- Get a pedicure
The nervous knight burst in through the door.
“My Lord, the seer – Balaam – has refused your offer. His God told him no.”
Balak spat out the olives from his drink. “No? What do you mean, no? Double the gold! Triple the onions! FETCH HIM!”
Act 2 – Scene 2: Look, I’m not the one with the problem, okay?
∼ Shrek
Back at the swamp, Balaam was trying to get some work done, but his faithful sidekick, Donkey, was being especially difficult.
“If I didn’t know better,” Balaam began, “I’d think you were purposefully trying to annoy me, Donkey.”
No thanks to Donkey, Balaam made it through the work day and was ready for peace, quiet, and a nice dinner. The problem was that none of that was in the cards for Balaam this evening.
Balaam was mid-bite—slow-cooked weedrat, crispy outside, medium-rare inside—when the door rattled again. Balaam yanked the door open.
“Please, reconsider,” the nervous knight said.
Behind the knight was a wheelbarrow filled with treasure and onions.
Balaam eyed the treasure, then the sky. “Fine. I’ll pray.”
That night, Balaam prayed. “Lord, they upped the offer. Industrial swamp spa money. You sure?”
God instructed Balaam to go with the nervous knight, but on the condition that Balaam only do as God instructed him.
Balaam was excited. Visions of gold and silver filled his dreams that night. He thought of all the wonderful things he could buy. An industrial-grade swamp spa, an onion vault, even an ogre-sized throne with different massage settings for his back and legs.
Unbeknownst to Balaam, God had different plans, and allowing his chosen people to be cursed was not one of them. Also, Balaam’s greedy desires did not please God. In fact, Balaam was about to learn a difficult lesson. He might be a seer, but his sight had limitations.
Act 3 – Scene 1: I’m not just a mindless little sidekick. I’ve got thoughts, too!
∼ Donkey
The next day, the trip started as usual. But as Balaam and Donkey continued, Donkey saw something on the path that made him stop in his tracks, for what he saw was awe-inspiring. It was the Angel of the Lord
Donkey understood the Angel of the Lord was not pleased with Balaam. Even though Balaam was traveling to the kingdom as requested by God, he still hoped for a treasure in return for cursing the Israelites. This made God angry. So God sent the Angel of the Lord to get Balaam’s attention.
When Donkey saw the Angel, he turned off the path.
Balaam was irritated that Donkey wouldn’t stay on the path. He realized this was the first major trip he and Donkey had taken in quite a while.
“Maybe Donkey is nervous about being so far away from home,” he thought. “Maybe he just needs a bit of encouragement.”
But when the words of encouragement didn’t work, and Donkey still refused to travel on the path, Balaam lost his temper. He struck Donkey several times, trying to force him to go in the right direction.
Finally the Angel of the Lord had enough. He opened the Donkey’s mouth so his words could be heard through the Donkey.
“Hey, what are you doing?” asked Donkey. “I thought we were friends! Why are you kicking me?”
“Because,” Balaam shouted, “You won’t do as you’re told. What is your problem?”
“My problem?” Donkey responded. “You’re the one with a problem. You gotta stop and smell the roses, you know what I’m saying?” Maybe then you—the seer —will see what is standing right in front of you.
“What are you talking about?” Balaam asked. No sooner had he finished the question than the Angel of the Lord opened Balaam’s eyes, making his presence known to Balaam.
The Angel of the Lord spoke harshly to Balaam, reminding him that if it were God’s will, Balaam would have been struck down by the Angel’s sword for his sinful greed.
Balaam now understood that while he was to continue toward the kingdom, he was also to do only what the Lord instructed him to do.
And because it was God’s will to save the Israelites, Balaam did not curse them.
Knowing they were safe from being cursed and so much closer to taking back the land God had promised them, the Israelites felt it was a great time to celebrate. They partied the night away.
Conclusion and Obligatory Call to Action
And that concludes the comedic retelling of Numbers 22. Just in case anyone reading this believes I’m going straight to hell for the creative liberties I took, you’re not the only one. Also, I now know the story of the talking donkey really well because I had to read it over and over in preparation for this blog.
If you enjoyed this blog, please spread it around the internet. And if you didn’t like this blog, please spread it around the internet. If at least one person reading this feels more comfortable with their faith because of all the bumbling around I do, the purpose has been served.
