Doogie Howser: The Junior Fellow

I write letters to Ellen DeGeneres. No particular reason. Just because I can. Dear Ellen, Yesterday, I took the baby back to the doctor to get her foot looked at. If you don’t remember from last week, I had A LOT of questions for this pediatric orthopedist. Is she allowed to walk on her foot? How do you corral a […]

Biodegradable Grass

“Wow!” Becky said, after viewing a tutorial Clarissa put together on how to part a small child’s hair. “That’s fantastic. Do you think she’ll watch it?” “It’s hard to say with that woman,” Clarissa said. “It’s a shame to see her poor child go to school with uneven parts in her hair. I mean, what message are we sending our […]

Poor Girl

I write letters to Ellen DeGeneres. No particular reason. Just because I can. Dear Ellen, This isn’t related to baby girl’s scoliosis. But it is related to her ongoing pediatric orthopedic care. That’s why you’re reading this under the scoliosis series blog posts. Saturday night, baby girl was in the bathroom with me. She tripped on the edge of the […]

What about her vagina?

I write letters to Ellen DeGeneres. No particular reason. Just because I can. Dear Ellen, On Saturday afternoon, I took the baby to the doctor’s office. “Well,” the doctor said. “The strep culture came back negative which means your baby most likely has herpangina.”   via GIPHY  (Friday evening) Bed time was its normal state of total chaos at our […]

Can I get my kidney back?

It was a normal night at the morgue. In case you might inquire, “normal,” meant I was sitting at my desk, sending out subpoenas for medical records, interviewing family members over the phone, and talking to hospitals. Hospitals — as part of their policies — called us a lot to report deaths, even if they knew it wasn’t in our […]

The Bitch Lied!

I write letters to Ellen DeGeneres. No particular reason. Just because I can. Dear Ellen, Last weekend, my baby boy.     Turned seven-years-old. I’m sure it will come to no surprise when I tell you that his life revolves around Legos.   via GIPHYAnd because of that, we have a ton of Legos. When I asked him what he […]

Community Relations Committee

It was a beautiful, sunny day at the van Wench residence. Becky and Clarissa are indulging in mid-day, sugar-free, gluten-free, margaritas at Judy’s pool. “I’ve never been so frustrated!” Clarissa leaned back in her chair, rubbing her temples.”I have so much work going on. I get at least 1,000 comments on my YouTube videos each day. And that secretary! She’s […]

Not That Kind of Doctor

“I’ve been seeing all these reports on the news about H1N1 and that it can cause deaths and I have some concerns,” the caller said. “Okay.” This conversation took place sometime in 2009. I already knew this wasn’t a death report. What I didn’t know was where this phone call was going. Just in case you’re new to this blog […]