Vampires in the Morgue-Part Three

Narrative/Dialogue I wish I had read in Breaking Dawn. Bella:  “Oh Edward!  Sex is so much fun!  I had no idea!” Edward:  “Yeah baby!  Yeah!” Bella:  “Edward, I’ve decided something.  I’d like to postpone becoming a vampire because…well…because I like sex and I’m worried that I won’t enjoy it as much when I’m a vampire.” Edward:  “Bitch please!  You’ve been […]

Smelly Guy-The Finale – I Promise! This is it!

>The day before my date with Smelly Guy, I began by following through with my usual routine….I went to work. Exciting! Nothing spectacular happened that day, or at least, nothing that I can remember. Just before 1900 hours, when I’m officially off duty, he called. Smelly Guy: “Are we still on for tonight?” Me: “Yeah. I have to run home […]

Smelly Guy-Party Four A

>First and foremost I would like to apologize for the delay in my postings.  I’ve been out of town recently. This final bit in my series of “How not to date a Death Investigator” definitely falls under the category of “I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried. Smelly Guy (yes there is a very good reason for this […]

The Religious Guy-Part Three

>Where to begin with this one.  This guy is, overall, a nice guy.  Clean cut and practices good hygiene (I’ll explain that one later), a father of two, recently divorced.  He’s about ten years older than me.  He is also very, very religious.  Religion isn’t a bad thing but it’s not something I’m exposed to often.  Well, Religious Guy and […]

Dear Hospital Staff

>Dear Hospital Staff, Recently we came to your hospital and presented to you on the topic of Correct Death Reporting Procedures.  However, since that time, it has become abundantly clear that you were not paying attention at all.  I’ve taking the liberty of jotting down some things that are of concern to my office, in hopes of rectifying this situation […]

Surfer Dude: Part 2 of 4

>Okay so you’re probably asking what’s up with “Surfer Dude”.  There came a point in time where I was interacting with enough guys online that I began giving them nicknames so that I could keep them straight when I was talking about them with my friends. Surfer Dude and I never actually made it to a first date.  Well, I […]

How not to Date a Death Investigator: Part 1 of 4

>Actually, this rule/scenario probably applies to anyone who works with in the law enforcement community. Everyday for the past several months I tell myself, “Thank God I’ve met a wonderful man!  I’ve never been more relieved to never have to do online dating anymore.” Not long after my divorce I decided that it was time for me to get out […]

Dear Applicant(s)

>Dear Applicant(s): Many people, when applying for a job, believe that their time to “shine” starts at the interview.  I regret to inform you that this is not so.  Your time to shine, infact, starts from the time you submit your application and resume.  Every communication you make with my office after that is also part of your interview process.  […]

Vampires in the Morgue-Part Two

So I broke down and reluctantly read the third installment of the Twilight Series and, quite frankly, if it hadn’t been for the support of my friends/coworkers, I never would have made it to the end of the book. Bella!  Bella! Bella!  She has to be the most irritating, whiny-assed, clumsy, idiot that I’ve ever encountered. I swear if I […]

Don’t Lie to the Death Investigator. It’s Rude!

>First and foremost I would like to state that I really do enjoy all of the police officers that I work with.  They definitely make things a little more entertaining for me when I respond to a scene.  However, there are a few that irritate the hell out of me -mainly, the ones who lie to me and actually think […]