If Baby Could Talk – A Voicemail for Grandma

Hello Grandma,

This is baby. I’m calling to tell you that you should come get me right away. Momma has been horrible to me. She doesn’t love me, never holds me and makes me sleep alone at night.

Hold on

In a whisper (Gwennie – what else was I supposed to say? Oh…. Okay)

I’m back now. I’m also supposed to tell you that Momma doesn’t love Gwennie – Oops. I meant me. Momma doesn’t love me and she doesn’t feed me either and

(In a whisper)

(Gwennie – I can’t read I’m only six months old. You have to tell me what that says.)

I’m viciously beaten…er….huh?

(Gwennie, what does Momma beat me
with? Kisses?)

(Muffled sounds in the background)

Grandma!

This is Gwennie! The Little Thing can’t stay here anymore! He’s not fluffy like me, he’s not furry like me! He doesn’t have whiskers. He’s not cute! And…. worst of all….Momma spends all of her
time……

BEEP – I’M SORRY. YOUR MESSAGE COULD NOT BE COMPLETED. GOODBYE.

Oh son of a $&@!?!!!!!!!

What the heck are you looking at Little Thing?

What? No! I will not change your diaper! Go find Momma! Leave me alone!