Dear Ellen: It was me against the 2-year-old.

Sometimes I write letters to Ellen DeGeneres. No particular reason. Just because I can.

So that's where I left the measuring tape! Photo by A. Marie Silver
So that’s where I left the measuring tape!
Photo by A. Marie Silver

Dear Ellen,

Tonight there was a standoff at the Silver house.  It was me versus the two-year-old.  She woke up from her nap, madder than hell at God only knows what. The following conversation is based on actual events – as they happened in my imagination.

“This is unacceptable, Mother!” Baby girl screamed as she banged on her bedroom door. “This is simply not how this works!”

I turned the volume up on my iPad as I listened to her fit while folding laundry from the safety of my bedroom.

“There’s a procedure in place for fits of this nature! First, I wake up screaming. Second, you run into my room, convinced something is chewing on me. Third, I slap you in the face because I think you’re the one chewing on me. Fourth, you take out your iPad and play my playlist.  And five, I calm down and watch my playlist. Then I ask for something to eat.”

I shook my head as I listened to her screams.  “Where does she get this crap from?” Seriously, I’d love to meet the person who wrote her manual.

“You skipped steps four and five and I WILL. NOT. TOLERATE IT!”

“You know what?” I asked the pile of laundry. “This is too good not to write down.” I reached for my laptop and began typing.

“IN CASE YOU’RE WONDERING, I’M STILL NOT HAPPY!”

“There’s a shocker.”

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IS THAT TYPING I HEAR? IF YOU’RE TAKING DICTATION THEN I MUST REQUEST YOU USE THE SHOUTY CAPITALS TO CONVEY JUST HOW UPSET I AM!”

“No worries, there, Princess. Momma’s on it.”

Her tirade of complaints lasted a few more minutes before I realized there was nothing but silence.  I walked over to her door and, using extreme caution, opened it.  Her room was a disaster.  All of her clothes from both her dresser and her laundry hamper were on the floor.  They were in good company; her stuffed animals were all on the floor as well. I found her standing in front of her closet, reaching for a blue Elsa dress she got as a hand-me-down from her cousin.

She looked over at me.  Her face was red and she was out-of-breath.  “Hello, Mother.  I wish to wear a gown this evening.  Will you get it for me? It’s a little out-of-reach. Also, I wish to discuss the arrangement of my bedroom. I’m concerned it doesn’t follow the principles of Feng Shui.”

I’m not sure who won this battle, Ellen. Let’s just call it a truce.

Sincerely,

A. Marie

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9 thoughts on “Dear Ellen: It was me against the 2-year-old.

  1. Manic behavior followed by action as if nothing has changed, well there are volumes in the library which address this – do you have a library card? If not, you can get one. Or, if you have a fear of libraries, you could Google. But then, what fun would that be? The age of three comes after two.

  2. Haha! Love this post, seems to sum up the toddler years perfectly. And who wouldn’t want to wear an evening gown straight after trashing their room! Makes sense to me 🙂

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