I write letters to Ellen DeGeneres. Why? Because I Can!
Sometimes I imagine things: specifically that I’m having conversations with my cat, Gwennie. Last night I stepped on her when I was getting up – for the 10th time – to check on my screaming toddler. The following conversation took place.
Gwennie(the cat) – Watch where you’re stepping, prevert!
Me: Why are you on the floor, anyway? There’s a bed here.
Gwennie: Sleeping on the bed isn’t in the cards for me. Apparently it’s my job to be here so your fat feet have something soft to step on. Maybe I should change my job title from Supervisory Cat-in-Charge of Household Operations to Floor Mat for Foot Corns.
Me: Somebody’s cranky.
Ellen, do you find it disturbing that in the vast realms of my imagination, my cat talks to me this way?