Dear Ellen: Sometimes I Make Things Up

Sometimes I write letters to Ellen DeGeneres. No particular reason. Just because I can.

Dear Ellen,

Sometimes I make things up. Last night, while I was knee-deep in my children’s stomach flu, I made up this conversation between the two of them. My son is 3 1/2 and my daughter is almost 2. Obviously they’re not at this level of communication yet, which makes a blog of this nature fair game.

Baby Girl: I ejected a massive volume of bitter nastiness from my stomach.

Baby Boy: So did I, sister. Except the stench of mine was considerably worse than yours and my volume wasn’t nearly as much. But then, you’re not even two yet.

Baby Girl: What does my age have to do with it?

Baby Boy: Easy. Everyone knows that the real challenge in life is to eject a minimal amount of stomach contents while, at the same time, creating a stench so massive it could clear the entire house. The fact that you did the reverse makes you an amateur.

Baby Girl: I am NOT an amateur. I’m an overachiever.

Baby Boy: Did Momma brush your teeth afterwards?

Baby Girl: Yes, brother, she did. I was surprised at how effective the tropical fruit flavor of the toothpaste was in masking the acidic flavor in my mouth.

Baby Boy: I was too. I think I will write about the various uses of toothpaste for my third grade dissertation.

Baby Girl: Did you find, after ejecting your stomach contents, that you were feeling better?

Baby Boy: I did, indeed. In fact, I felt quite energized and demonstrated that fact by running laps on top of my bed.

Baby Girl: Did Momma allow that?

Baby Boy: Quite the opposite, actually. She made me get off the bed and sit on the floor.

Baby Girl: What was your reaction?

Baby Boy: I growled at her.

Baby Girl: Like a bear or a lion?

Baby Boy: Neither. I mimicked the mean kitty. You know…the one who hides in the basement during the day.

Baby Girl: Excellent! Do you feel your impersonation was accurate?

Baby Boy: I feel I could have done better. But in time, I will master it.

That’s all for now, Ellen. Have a great weekend!