The Daikini Child

Dear Diary,

Momma and Boy-Dadda finally found a movie worthy of my attention. The movie is called Willow – a classic from the late 1980s. It’s about two men who are trying to get rid of a baby.

Some prevert uploaded the entire movie to YouTube. You can watch it for free here:

The second I made that connection I knew I found a movie written by someone who could relate to my plight. After all, there’s nothing worse than having to share a household with human children. Now that the Little Thing and his Minion are older, they’ve proven useful. Momma has the Minion trained to put food in my dish. The Little Thing has no interest in us at all. He generally tries to avoid us, demonstrating the possibility that there is intelligent life in a human child. But only the possibility. If he was really that smart he would’ve been born a cat.

As I was saying about the movie, it’s truly a classic. Proof that back in the day, people knew how to write telling tales about suffering and how human babies are selfish and inconsiderate. Take the baby in this movie. The little prevert just shows up on a raft one day and totally ruins Willow’s life.

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And then a bunch of dogs come looking for her.

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And they tore up the entire village. But what do you expect? They’re dogs. That’s what they do. They tear stuff up.

Here’s a little tip.

Any time there’s a dog tearing things up, it’s usually because the dog is under a great amount of anxiety and stress. Human children are the underlying cause of anxiety and stress in all living creatures. Especially me!

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Don’t all of you rush to give me a hug at one time.

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Anyway, this poor prevert, Willow, gets stuck having to take the baby away from the village. I don’t know why he didn’t just put her back on her raft and shove her down the river.

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I guess the movie wouldn’t have been as exciting. Plus, I often hear Momma say it’s important for writers to torture their characters. There was a whole lot of suffering going on in this movie. I mean, just look at this disgusting little prevert.

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If I had to look at that awful face all day long, I’d turn into a bulimic. There’d be hairballs all over the place.

The point of all of this really is that during this movie I had a revelation.

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As I was saying before being interrupted by prehistoric bird, I had a revelation. R-E-V-E-L-A-T-I-O-N, for those of you who can’t spell, like the dumbass animated movies Momma likes to use. Throughout the entire movie, all the preverts referred to the baby as the Daikini. Sometimes it was Daikini child. Sometimes it was Daikini baby. It didn’t matter what they called her, every time I heard her name I felt the urge to cough up a hairball.

It occurred to me that I never really named Momma’s baby.

The ugly one with the hair. (See above). Since “Daikini,” clearly means “Unwanted,” because the entire movie was about people trying to get rid of her, I felt this was an appropriate name for Momma’s baby. Therefore, as of today, Momma’s baby will henceforth be referred to as the Daikini. And just like Willow and that other prevert who was in the movie, I’ve spent the last 18 months trying to rid my house of the Daikini. She keeps smiling at me and calling me a “kee.” What the hell is a “kee?”

That’s all for this week, Diary.

Sincerely,

Gwennie.

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