Diary of a Cranky Cat – Back in the Good Old Days

Dear Diary,

I’m sorry it’s been so long since you’ve heard from me.  Momma has been hogging MY blog.  RUDE!!!

Today I was running all over the house in search of puff balls when I came across my kitty condo.  I decided I was was going to climb it to the very top.  I made a running jump, grabbed on with my two front paws and slid all the way to the bottom.  Fortunately no one was around to witness this tragic mishap.  I completely forgot I don’t have my front claws.  Momma took me to get a manicure when I was a baby.

See,  it happened just like this:

Once upon a time, when I was just a baby, I would watch my Momma sleep at night.  Every night her eyes drove me nuts.  They would move back and forth and back and forth.  It was awful.  I don’t understand how Momma could sleep with them moving like that.  So one night, I set them straight.  With one fluid swoop I slapped Momma’s right eye.

“Ouch!”  Momma cried. 

Waking her up was not my intent.  Oh well.

“What are you doing?” She asked.

“Your eyes were moving.  It was driving me nuts.”  Then Momma told me a story.  She started it with this;

“Gwennie, there’s this thing humans do at night.  It’s called rapid eye movement.” 

Momma has the neatest way of telling stories. When she was done, I promised her I’d never do it again. (Giggle, Giggle)

A few weeks later I was watching Momma sleep when her eyes started doing that thing again.  You know what I’m talking about right?  That thing Momma told me about where the eyes move back and forth and back and forth?  It was driving me up a wall.  I swear I thought her eyes were trying to escape.  Well I couldn’t have that. Momma’s not much use to me if she’s blind.  How would she find my kibbles?  So, I slapped her eyes to stop them from escaping.

Momma woke up again.

“Gwennie!”  She yelled, grabbing her left eye. 

“What?!”  I yelled back.

When she pulled her hand away I saw tiny bits of blood on her fingers.

Oops. I didn’t mean to hurt Momma.  She was just an unfortunate casualty of war.

“I told you,” she said, frustrated, “it was rapid eye movement.”

I shrugged my shoulders.  “I don’t know what you expect of me,” I began.  “I’m a cat.”

A couple of days later Momma put me into my kitty carrier and we drove off in her car.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“I’m taking you to get a manicure,” she said.

“Oh boy!”  I had no idea what that was but it sounded fun.  Little did I know…..
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A couple of years later……

Momma took me with her to Petsmart to get some kibbles and cat litter.  I really wish she’d just leave me at home.  I DON’T LIKE CARS!!!!

While we were there Momma got into a discussion with some random woman and revealed to her that she had my front paws declawed. That random woman got all huffy with Momma about how cruel she was to have me declawed and how if Momma couldn’t handle me she should have given me to someone else.  It was awful.  Momma tried explaining to this woman about her eye and the whole rapid eye movement thing but that random woman wouldn’t hear it.  She kept going on and on about how mean Momma was for what she did to me.

Let’s see a show of hands from my audience members.  How many people think I was just going to sit there and listen to THAT woman berate my Momma?

(Pause)

Oh.  (Giggle).  It’s a blog.  I forgot.  I can’t see anyone.  I think everyone gets the point, though.

Random Woman leaned down and looked at me in my carrier and said, “Poor thing.  You can’t defend yourself now because your Momma handicapped you.”

I went right about to the cage door and said, “Listen Lady.  I can take you, you’re ugly face and your bad attitude, and I don’t need my front claws to do it. So back the F&*$% OFF!!!”

“Well aren’t you a pretty kitty.” Random Woman said.

“Well I have to be cute to make up for you.”

And that’s the story of how I lost my front claws.  The moral of the story is this; I’m NOT helpless!  I have teeth and my rear claws a whole lot of attitude and I know how to use them!!!

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