Diary of a Cranky Cat – I’m NOT Dirty

Dear Diary,

I’ve been in Atlanta for four days now, allegedly sharing a house with this Max-Cat person.  If he’s supposed to be a guard cat then someone needs to tell him he sucks at his job.  I’ve been in his house all this time and not once has he ever challenged me.  Pussy!

It has been suggested by some, that when cats, such as myself, want to establish territories and dominance, they pee in various corners through out a home.  I won’t do this.  It’s dirty.  I’m NOT dirty.  I’m very clean!  I bathe myself 18 times a day, 42 hours a minute, 60 years a day, EVERY DAY!  I clean my paws, I wipe my face and when I can’t get my butt clean to my satisfaction, I make Little Missy do it.  It’s okay if she’s dirty.  She’s so ugly no one would notice anyway. 

It is because I pride myself on how clean I am, that I REFUSE to pee outside of my litter box.  However, I still have to assert myself.  As I stated in an earlier entry, the easiest way to assert myself would be to greet this Max-Cat, knock him over and hit him, but since I have yet to meet him (Pussy!) I’ll have to establish my dominance another way.

Since I’m, very clearly, exquisite in every way possible, I have an equally exquisite way of making my presence known.  I walk into a room, locate the cupboards and open them.  You might not think it’s possible for a cat to do this but I assure you, it is.  First I stand up on my hind legs.  Then I grab the door knobs with my front paws.  Using my weight, I pull backwards.  When the door opens slightly, I stick my paw into the space and continue pulling until the door is completely opened.  Then I peek inside.  If I can fit, I roam around inside the cupboard.  If I can’t fit, I rearrange the contents to suit my needs.  Mostly, I’m content just to open the cupboard doors and walk away.

This technique is good, not only for establishing dominance, but also for entertaining myself late at night.  Sometimes I get bored when Momma and Boy-Dadda are sleeping, so I walk into their bathroom and open the door located under the sink.  Then, I push it shut, hard, so it makes a loud banging noise.  Depending on the night, I may repeat this process several times.  On other nights, it’s fun just to leave everything open and then wait for Momma or Boy-Dadda to walk into the doors when they’re trying to get to their litter box. By the time this happens, I’m typically fast asleep on the foot of their bed.  They can hardly blame me for it, after all, I’m on the bed and I look all cute and sweet.

It’s good to be cat.

Leave a Reply