Dear Diary,

Santa Cat is a horrible awful cat! He ruined my Christmas. I’m going to make it my mission to hunt him down and leave a big, steaming pile of poop in his litter box so that he’ll know he’s been bad. Do you want to know what happened? Of course you do! Christmas came and went. I didn’t get squat! Not one single puff ball! Little Missy is still ugly as sin and the Little Thing was never returned! Oh the agony! Instead of getting all the things I very nicely requested, I got a lump of coal in my stocking with this letter:

Dear Gwendolynn Anne Marie Stefani Collins Silver,
(Here’s a thought:  Pick ONE name and stick with it.)

I was unable to process your request for the following reasons:

1.  You have enough puff balls.  You don’t need any more.  There are kitties out there, much less fortunate than you, who need puff balls. That’s who I’m taking them too.

2. Catnip is a nasty habit.  Just say no!

3.  You can’t return something that doesn’t belong to you.  The Little Thing doesn’t belong to you therefore you can’t return him.

4.  Little Missy IS NOT UGLY!!!!  STOP TELLING EVERYONE SHE’S UGLY!  That’s NOT nice!  Bad Gwennie!  Bad! Bad! Bad Gwennie!  For the love of kibbles & bits!  She looks JUST LIKE YOU!!! If she’s ugly than so are you! See how that works?

5.  Asking Jesus to forgive your sins is nice.  Asking Jesus to forgive your sins so that I’ll bring you presents does not get you off the Naughty List. Nice try!

Better Luck Next Year!

Sincerely,

Santa Cat

I hope he chokes on a hair ball!