Here is the conclusion to Monday’s blog, Station 19’s “Saving Chief Herrera” (The totally unauthorized episode – because I’m not one of the cool kids.)
You heard me. Go home! I’m retired. And unlike some people, I didn’t score another television show. Go home. Only your daughter can save you. Tell her I said, hi.
But what if she can’t see me?
Then you’ll just have to make her hear you, Manuel.
Oh my God. What is this? Man-flu for dead people? Figure it out.
Cut to: Herrera Residence
Andy Herrera is sitting on her sofa, crying. Her face is red and she is wiping her nose with the collar of one of her father’s dress shirts. Chief Herrera is waving his hands, desperate to get her attention.
Come on, Hija. See me. I’m still here.
The front door opens. Maya and Vic (Victoria) walk into the house. Maya walks right through Chief Herrera.
Watch it, Bishop!
(Muttering to himself)
As soon as I come back to life I’m assigning her to kitchen duty.
Maya and Vic sit down next to Andy, embracing her. While she cries.
I was fine. I was folding his laundry. Getting ready to send it to GoodWill. And then, that damn thing went off.
(She points to the Amazon Echo.)
He had a reminder set to go to chemo later today.
Andy cups her head in her hands. Vic and Maya rub her back and hold her tight. Chief Herrera eyes the Amazon Echo, remembering the Christmas that he bought those for the house. There’s one in every room.
(Muttering to himself, the last thing Allison said to him.)
Make her hear you.
Herrera Residence – 3:00 a.m. (Because that’s when all the spooky shit is supposed to happen.)
Andy stirs in her sleep. A sound coming from her living room wakes her up. She gets out of bed and picks up a fire extinguisher for self defense. She walks down the hallway. The floor creaks. She looks down and then continues walking through a dark house – because turning on the lights would make sense….and kill the suspense. She enters the living room. The Echo, sitting on the end table, has a blue glow circling around the top.
I’m reminding you. The school bus is coming. I’m reminding you. The school bus is coming.
What? Alexa. Stop.
Another sound is coming from the kitchen. Andy carries her fire extinguisher with her. Another Echo with a blue ring around the top is talking.
I’m reminding you. Buy juice boxes. I’m reminding you. Buy juice boxes.
(Muttering to herself)
What the hell is going on? I thought I shut off all of the reminders. And since when did Dad drink juice boxes?
Andy puts the fire extinguisher down and walks back toward her bedroom. From a short distance she can hear another Echo reminder. She walks into the bedroom and sees the blue glow.
I’m reminding you. I’m here Hee-Haw. I’m reminding you. I’m here Hee-Haw.
Chief Herrera is standing in the middle of his daughter’s bedroom.
Hee-Haw? No, no, no. I said HIJA. I’m here HIJA. Not Hee-Haw. Stupid thing.
Alexa, shut up!
Cut to: Herrera Residence – The next morning.
Andy, Vic, and Maya are drinking coffee and eating toast.
It’s your dad’s birthday today. Are you going to take some flowers to the cemetery?
Yeah. We’ll go with you.
I don’t know, you guys. It’d be weird going to the cemetery when I know Dad’s body isn’t even buried there.
That’s right. You donated his remains to the university.
The university? That’s it!
(Super-Creepy Voice Over)
Your earthly vessel.
The University – Morning. Chief Herrera’s body is on an autopsy table. A pathologist is standing in front of a bunch of students. Everyone is dressed in scrubs and personal protective equipment. The pathologist is holding a bone saw in his hands – even though a bone saw won’t cut when it makes contact with tissue. Yes, that’s right. The blade stops the second it makes contact with tissue. That’s why it’s called a bone saw. Even though every pathologist in the world knows this, we still see this same thing at the beginning of every autopsy scene in television and movies. Sigh. Oh well. I don’t make the rules.
The pathologist turns the bone saw on.
Chief Herrera jumps back into his body. The pathologist lowers the bone saw – which is weird because normally an autopsy starts with a “Y” incision that’s made with a scalpel blade. Once all of the tissue has been reflected back off of the rib cage, a bone saw can be used to cut open the top of the rib cage. I never used a bone saw. I used a pair of long-handled hedge trimmers. Yes, that’s right. Hedge trimmers. They’re good for both gardening and cutting open rib cages. That’s what I call multipurpose.
The pathologist screams. All of his students scream. One of the students passes out. Every one else clears the room. Chief Herrera sits up and looks around at the autopsy room. Stainless steal sinks line both ends of the room. A large, stainless steal door is at the center of the third wall. A medical student wearing hot pink shorts and a pink, Hawaiian top underneath his PPE is passed out on the floor. Chief Herrera looks down at him.
Guess it’s just you and me.
Cut to: Herrera Residence – Night Time
Andy is watching television in the dark. Her phone rings. She answers it.
Hey. Hey, Maya. Nothing. Just watching Poltergeist. No. The original. I’m not a fan of remakes or fan fiction for that matter. It actually really annoys me. I feel like people are saying, Ooh! Look at me! I’m a writer. But I’m too special to come up with my own stuff so instead, I’ll piggy back off of someone else’s own hard work, blood, and sweat, call it Fifty Shades of Crap and make millions off of someone else’s original idea.
There’s a knock at the door.
Hold on a second. Someone’s at the door. I don’t know. Maybe it’s Ryan. He said he’d stop by.
Andy opens the door. Chief Herrera is standing in the doorway wearing a pink Hawaiian shirt and hot pink shorts.
Hello, Hija. I’m back.
Andy’s eyes roll back in her head. She passes out, falling straight back.