The Judgy Moms

I think by now I’ve made it pretty clear that I’m not normal – under any circumstances. It’s most obvious to me whenever I’m trying to do something for my kids and screw it up. That’s when I hear them. The judgy moms.

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A group of three voices that exist in my head and strike whenever I’m off my game – which is a lot. In case you might inquire. It’s not that I hear these critical voices that makes me unusual or weird because I believe most people hear these voices in their heads. What makes me a quirky bird is the fact that because I have an overactive imagination and apparently too much time on my hands, I’ve named the judgy moms and also given them personalities and jobs.

 

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First there’s Clarissa. Clarissa is super crafty, has a YouTube channel with over 3 billion followers and gives free tutorials on all things crafty. Then there’s Becky. She prays a lot which isn’t a bad thing at all but beyond praying for everyone and everything, I have no idea what she does. And there’s the group leader, Judy. Judy is a food blogger who has written several vegan cook books. Nothing wrong with that. I certainly haven’t published anything yet so it’s good to know that someone in my head has. But out of all of them, Judy is the harshest critic. She has no tolerance for people who don’t adhere to her lifestyle. You don’t ever want to be on the receiving end of Judy’s wrath. But if you do find yourself there, don’t worry. Becky will pray for you.

 

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This week is Dr. Seuss week. A lot of schools across the county are doing something in honor of his birthday. My kids’ schools are no exceptions. The challenged I faced was that I was given very short notice that both of my kids were expected to dress up in costumes on Friday. I am not a craft mom. I can’t just pull out my sewing machine and whip something up for my kids. My bestie and I were on the phone the other day while she was shopping for a glue gun she needed to help her son make something for his class. I almost had a panic attack at the thought of having to do anything that required a glue gun.

 

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Plus, my son’s school wasn’t specific as to how they wanted him to dress up. They only said “dress like your favorite fictional character.” They didn’t even specify a Dr. Seuss character. And what if he doesn’t have a favorite character. Does that mean I get to pick? Okay. Fine. Due to a lack of specific instructions, I’m sending my kids to school dressed as two of my favorite villains. My son will go as Hannibal Lecter.

 

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I bought his mask off of the Internet for just shy of $30. Gotta love the Internet.

Then there’s my daughter. I’m sending her to school dressed as Pennywise. She’s super-excited she’ll get to carry balloons around all day.

 

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Alas, fear of judgment by the judgy moms stopped me dead in my tracks. I decided to dress my kids up as Thing 1, Thing 2, and Thing 3.

I downloaded images off of Etsy and purchased, shirts, iron-on transfer paper, and an inkjet cartridge for my printer so I could assemble their shirts. It was while I was putting everything together this afternoon that I heard the judgy moms loud and clear.

Judy: Did you hear? She bought the last three packages of iron-on transfer paper from Joann Fabrics in case she made a mistake.

Clarissa: That’s not even the half of it. She didn’t realize until she was trying to iron it that she was using it the wrong way.

Becky: When I think of all of those people in third world countries who have to pay exorbitant shipping costs and then wait months just to get paper like that it makes me so mad. I mean, here they are suffering all the while women like A. Marie are helping themselves to this stuff like they’re entitled to it.

Clarissa: Did you see how she ironed on those Dr. Seuss images. She didn’t even follow the instructions. They specifically said not to move the iron back and forth. She was supposed to set it on the image and hold it there for 10 seconds. Now the ink on her daughter’s shirt is all smeared. And then there’s her son’s shirt. The image isn’t centered. I mean really, how hard is it to center an image. Measure the length and the width of the shirt, draw an ‘x’ and poof! You can center the image. 

Becky: Excuse me for a second ladies, I have to pray for all of those people in third world countries. 

Judy: Just think, Clarissa, if she’d watched your YouTube video on how to make and assemble her own water proof, fire retardant, non GMO, paper mache, vegan, biodegradable Dr. Seuss hat, she wouldn’t be in this mess.

Clarissa: I was thinking the same thing. I suggested she watch it but she said it was too long. I said, what do you mean it’s too long? It’s only 675 steps. My video before that was over 1200 steps and to this date has the highest number of views.

Judy: Clearly some people love their children more than others. I mean seriously, if she had started the hat after she put the kids to bed she would’ve had it finished by 4:24 a.m. which is plenty of time to fix them a hearty breakfast consisting of vegan, gluten-free waffles, scrambled tofu, and faux bacon strips.

Clarissa: I heard she feeds her kids cereal for breakfast.

Judy: Shameful. Just shameful. You know, she actually posted on Facebook that she fed her kids French fries for lunch and there were actually mothers who were all ‘You go girl! Some days you just have to cave so you can pee in peace and quiet!’ And I was standing off to one side thinking, well now wait. What kind of fries were they? Were they zucchini fries? Or fried soy sticks? Because I could get behind that. But no. They weren’t. They were run-of-the-mill fast food fries.

Clarissa: Someone really should call CPS.

Judy: I did. Apparently it’s not a crime to feed your children French fries. The person I spoke to was more concerned about what I was feeding my kids and insisted fried soy sticks weren’t real.

Clarissa: What kind of person would think fried soy sticks weren’t real?

Judy: I’ll let you know on Friday.

Clarissa: What happens on Friday?

Judy: That’s when someone from CPS comes to interview me about my kids’ diet. It’s aggravating, you know? Here I am feeding my kids super foods and being judged for it while women like A. Marie can’t even bother to use an X-acto knife when trimming the edges of the Dr. Seuss printouts she made. Those sloppy, white edges are a cry for help.

Clarissa: I suggested she use an X-acto knife and she was all, ‘I’ll cut my finger off,’ and I was all, ‘Get a first aid kit.” I have the LifeSavor 3,000. It came with a suture kit, super glue, travel-sized defibrillators, and a colostomy bag. If the zombie apocalypse ever happens and someone in my tribe needs an emergency appendectomy, I’ll be there.”

Becky: Do you know how to do one?

Clarissa: I’ve been watching YouTube tutorials. I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to figure it out. But then there’s A. Marie’s kids. Who’s gonna give them an emergency appendectomy during the zombie apocalypse?

Becky: Those poor kids. I lit a candle for them at church last night.

Clarissa: Why? What’s wrong with her kids?

Becky: Nothing. I just feel bad for them because of…..well….their mother.

Clarissa: We should do something for them. Like host a fundraiser or something.

Judy: Ooh! I’ll bring my baked chick pea balls.

Clarissa: Excellent idea! So we’ll host a fundraiser and insist that the money goes toward parenting, cooking, and crafting classes for A. Marie. 

 

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The good news is, I pulled off the Dr. Seuss Day costumes. It took eight pieces of iron-on transfer paper to make it happen, because I kept screwing it up, which means my decision to buy the last three packages they had (each totaling three sheets), was a wise one. None of the shirts is perfect but they’re clean and they fit.

That’s my story. What’s yours? Have you or anyone you know ever been victimized by a judgy mom – fictional or real? Tell me all about it in the comments.

Thanks for shopping Snark, Sass, & Sarcasm. I’ll see you next time!

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