Things you probably shouldn’t say in a church knitting group

I find myself in this predicament frequently. And it wasn’t as though I hadn’t been warned. Every voice in my head: fictional, real, imagined, my mother. They all screamed at me:

 

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 Naturally I didn’t listen to any of those voices and last night at church, I crossed the line.

The church we’re sort-of attending (we’ve only been to one service and that was on Christmas Eve) – has this big to-do every Wednesday. They host a variety of classes for kids and adults and all of them are for free. I joined the knitting and crocheting group. I know what you’re probably thinking:

 

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Trust me, this group is anything but boring. Especially when conversations like this are brought up.

Last night, I got my son settled in his classroom. The five year old did not accompany us. She refused to take a nap and I refused to take a child who behaves like this when she hasn’t had a nap:

 

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I walked into the room and started crocheting a scarf. People chit chat like normal about various things. The purpose of this group is to knit or crochet items such as scarves and shawls to donate to people who are in mourning or people who are recovering from an injury or illness. This was the first meeting since the Christmas hiatus so people are bringing in the projects they’ve completed and there’s a brief show and tell. After a while things get quiet and that’s when it happened.

“So I was on this Facebook group the other night and I saw something that made me think of you guys over break.”

“That’s so sweet,” the group leader said.

 

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“So I’m a writer and the group I’m on is for people who are writing thrillers or murder/mysteries and it’s a place where they can find out information about police procedures. The admin of the group is a detective in Los Angeles.”

 

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“And the other day,” I continued, “there was a woman on this group who wanted to know if she strangled someone with yarn would it cut the victim’s skin like fishing line would.”

“I think yarn would break,” the group leader said.

“That’s what I said. I told her it would probably leave an impression on the skin but it wouldn’t cut it.”

“What about ___ brand yarn?” Another member asked.

“It stretches real easy,” said another member. “The victim could probably pull it away from his skin and duck out of it.”

“Someone else in the group told her that yarn could totally cut someone’s skin” I said. “Makes you wonder what kind of yarn that person was using.”

“Makes you wonder why they know that,” the group leader said.

“Excuse me!” The voice of reason entered the conversation. “Does anyone else think that talking about ways to kill someone with yarn while in a church is inappropriate?”

“What?” the group leader asked. “She’s a writer. This is totally normal.”

“Yeah,” another member stepped in. “Besides, it’s not like she’s (gesturing toward me) asking for information on how to kill someone.”

“Definitely not,” I said. “I used to be a death investigator so my role in this group is to help writers out with information pertaining to forensic death investigation.”

“See,” the group leader said, gesturing at the voice of reason.

“Besides, after working as a death investigator for almost four years, I already know how to kill someone.”

 

 

“The questions I ask this group are mainly police procedural questions, like what happens after someone is arrested? How are cold cases handled? Stuff like that.”

“Oh,” the group leader said. “That’s nice.”

 

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 “So is the book Christian fiction?” someone asked.

“Oh, hell no. I’m pretty sure I’m going straight Hell for writing this book.”

“Is it murder/mystery ?” the group leader asked. “I LOVE a good murder/mystery.”

“Yes and no. It’s not a whodunnit. It’s women’s fiction. But there’s plenty of exciting gore and really embarrassing sex scenes to keep everyone entertained.”

 

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 “Well, it’s almost time for us to close up shop for the night,” the group leader said, spreading out a bunch of scarves, blankets, and shawls on the table. “I really think stabbing someone with knitting needles or a crochet hook would be far more effective than strangling someone with yarn, but that’s just my opinion. Now, everyone, join me in blessing these items before I take them for donation next week.”

 

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 I left the room wondering if I would be invited back. I mean, for the most part things went well up until I mentioned the whole “I already know how to kill people,” bit. Guess I’ll find out when I go back next week.

Thanks for shopping Snark, Sass, & Sarcasm. I’ll see you next time!