I was at home watching an awards ceremony on television when the phone rang. It was Cuba Gooding Jr..
“Where are you?” he asked. “It’s your big night. You need to get here.”
I rolled my eyes. I had just put the baby to bed and was finally relaxing for the evening. “Fine,” I sighed. “I’ll be right there.” Geez. What’s a girl have to do to get some quiet time.
I’m off.
I get there and make a bee line for the bathroom. As I’m sitting down on the toilet it occurs to me that I have no idea what to say if I win the award. I’ve never won anything before and I haven’t written a speech. Suddenly, I feel a rush of water against my bare behind and I realize the toilet is now overflowing. I can see it gushing around my tennis shoes. It’s a good thing my blue jeans aren’t hanging on the floor.
Later, I’m speaking with Cuba, (we’re on a first name basis with each other), about my acceptance speech.
“Just start off by making a joke out of how I had to call you to get you here tonight,” he said.
I sat down and began mentally preparing for what I’ll say in the event I win. This is what I came up with.
Thank you, everyone! Thank you so much! I wasn’t planning to be here this evening until Cuba called asking me to come in tonight. When I answered the phone this evening I felt like I was 16 again and my boss, John, was calling me back into work at McDonalds.
(I hold my fingers up to my ear, symbolizing a phone)
“Allison, um yeah. This is John. I know you opened at 4 am and then worked the breakfast, lunch and dinner rush, but we need you to come in and close tonight too. Oh, and I see you’re not using the new cover sheet for the TPS reports. We’re asking all McDonald’s employees to start wrapping all of our Value Menu sandwiches in the new coversheets for the TPS reports. Um Yeah.”
That sounds funny. If I win, I think I’ll go with that. In the background I heard the sounds of a baby crying. Who in the hell would bring a baby to an awards ceremony? Seriously.
That’s when I rolled over in bed and realized that it was 8 am and baby was probably in need of a diaper change and a bottle. Sadly, I never did find out if I won, or what the award I had been nominated for.
On a positive note, this has to be the funniest dream I’ve had in a long time. I know some of you are reading this and thinking “She’s nuts! She’s absolutely out of her flipping mind!”
And to those people I have this to say, “No shit! I have conversations with my cat. That’s not sanity.”
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