Smelly Guy-The Finale – I Promise! This is it!

>The day before my date with Smelly Guy, I began by following through with my usual routine….I went to work. Exciting! Nothing spectacular happened that day, or at least, nothing that I can remember.

Just before 1900 hours, when I’m officially off duty, he called.

Smelly Guy: “Are we still on for tonight?”

Me: “Yeah. I have to run home and change real quick but I’m still planning on being there.”

Smelly Guy: “Cool. Well I just ordered Chinese Food for dinner so I might be a little late.”

Me: “Okay.”

How late could he be? Chinese food usually shows up right after you hang up the phone.

I grabbed my stuff and as I was walking out the door, turned to one of my coworkers who is a retired Homicide Detective and said:

Me: “Okay, I’m off to meet my blind date. So if I don’t show up to work tomorrow…”

Coworker: “You don’t show up tomorrow and I’m coming to find you.”

Me: “Okay. Start behind the Barnes and Noble. There’s a nice wooded area out back.”

Coworker: “Ah FUCK! Don’t talk like that! What the hell is the matter with you! That shit’s not funny!”

He slammed a case file that he had in hands down on his desk and then reached for a pen and paper.

Coworker: “Gimme he’s fucking name and anything else you know about him!”

After my interrogation I left.

I got to the bookstore just after 8 pm and sat down at the coffee shop. Maybe it’s just me, but I figured that this was the most logical place to meet someone. I pulled a book out of my purse (yes, I’m that nerdy) and began reading. The bad thing about me and reading is that I tend to lose all track of time. So when my phone rang I was shocked to see that it was now 9:30 pm.

Smelly Guy: “Are we still on for tonight?”

Amazing. It’s dejavu. I swear I’ve had this conversation at least once today.

Me: “Yeah. I’m here waiting for you.”

Smelly Guy: “Oh. Okay. I just got done eating. It took forever for them to deliver the Chinese food.”

On what planet?


Smelly Guy: “I’ll be over in a few minutes.”

Me: “Okay.”

About 15 minutes later he called again.

Smelly Guy: “I’m here. Where are you?”

Me: “Inside.”

Smelly Guy: “No kidding! Where specifically?”

Me: “The coffee shop.”

Smelly Guy: “I’m headed in.”

It’s about damn time.

Oh. If I had only paid attention to all of those clues that I mentioned in the last post then I could have been spared this. Now granted, it was a date at a book store. I wasn’t glammed up. I was wearing a sweater, a pair of blue jeans and some boots. I looked bookstore-date appropriate. HE, on the other hand, is the purpose of this blog.

In he walked. And oh what a sight he was. He had on an old baseball cap which he never took off the entire time (trust me…I’m okay with that). He had shoulder length dark hair that was greasy and uncombed and matched the greasy stubble that was all over his face that covered the overall greasy nature of his skin. His glasses were so dirty that I couldn’t see his eyes. He was also wearing a denim jacket with white cotton sleeves. The sleeves were dirty and the cuffs looked like something had been knawing on them. The denim portion of the jacket had some kind of a yellow stain on it. The entire jacket REAKED to high hell of stale, skanky, cigarette smoke and urine. Underneath the jacket was an old tee-shirt, which to show me why he wouldn’t take the jacket off he unzipped just the top portion. The tee-shirt was also dirty and torn around the collar. And above the collar was a greasy tuff of chest hair protruding out of the tee-shirt. As for body type. His profile indicated that he was average in weight. Average my ass. He’s obese. I probably wouldn’t have notice the obesity so much if my date had bothered to bathe before arriving.

I lasted about 45 minutes and that after that told him it was time for me to go home. He walked me out to my care (something I was very uncomfortable with but didn’t know how to get out of). As we approached my car he pointed to it and said:

Smelly Guy: “Is that your car?”

Me: “Yeah”

Smelly Guy: “It’s really dirty. You need to wash it.”

Really? So’s your jacket!

Needless to say that was the only encounter with Smelly Guy I’ve had.

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